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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Regretdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1803
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 623



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRegretdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He walks with invisible footprints
    silent intrusion through the soul,
    leaves eternal bleeding scars
    for memory to tightly hold.

    He twists and turns the stomach
    an ache one can't erase,
    like disease without a cure
    from decisions made in haste.

    He creeps into every dream
    selfishly occupies your mind,
    a living, breathing nightmare
    reality, well defined.

    Once in your heart, he's always there
    gnawing from inside out,
    longing encompasses every breath
    it's what he's all about.




    Submitted on 2006-08-22 08:19:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Great poem. I found it chilling the way you described it. But there is no other way is there. Sad to say, everyone will experience regret at one time.
    | Posted on 2007-03-09 00:00:00 | by Swimming Bird | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi,
    stumbled across your page - I really loved this piece. The way you have personified the memory and the mind - beautiful choice of dynamic verbs - they really epitomize the hollowness of regret!

    on a diff note - great image to accompany.

    Would love some feefback on some short pieces have posted.

    Have fun,
    Bobby
    x
    | Posted on 2007-01-05 00:00:00 | by Bobby20 | [ Reply to This ]
      Absolutely brilliant Lorna!!

    I love this and can relate to this......to much than I care to want to in fact!

    "Reality well defined" was excellent language ajd fits in very well with the rhyme scheme.

    I cant suggest any improvements to this piece. I loved it!!

    Nick
    | Posted on 2006-12-14 00:00:00 | by Nick_23 | [ Reply to This ]
      It's been awhile...a little to long acutally. I miss reading poetry by yu.

    Well first off i abs loved it!

    I know regret all too well these days. Not a good thing i know. I wish that I was at a point where i can just forget about all the things i regret doing or regret i didn't do. I guess as yu get older yu get wiser tho, and some of the feelings go away.

    I love how this was written. I would have to say my favorite part would be the 2nd stanza because that is sorta how i think about regret and how it feels to me.

    Well time to write my work cited page for history =[ Hopefully i'll be on here home.

    Mikki<3
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautifully done, Lorna! Regrets! I wish I had more rejoices than regrets! I'm amazed at how skillfully and how beautifully you've handled such a difficult subject!
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah... people often stay back in the past and seem to just think over and over what they have done as it haunts them in dreams and in thoughts everyday day by day. Sometimes it is better to just leave all those things behind and not worry about them anymore but as human beings we just can not seem to get over the choices we make in our life. Regret is just a part of life which we have to live with day after day night after night. Like always great work from you. To make good points not many words are necessary.

    PS.- Just haven't been around much just been checking on time after time.

    Jose J. Ortiz aka Josyman
    | Posted on 2006-09-19 00:00:00 | by josymanthegreat | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice analogy. As i read this i thought it might be well suited for song lyrics. You'd just need to add a chorus perhaps. I was thinking that the 'eternal' might sound better as 'eternally bleeding scars..' i dunno...its up to you.

    Also, as i read it, i kept thinking of the devil. But then regret is the work of the devil. Again, nice analogy.

    see you around,
    later,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Persistant little devil indeed, and one that I have to battle everyday.
    You did a very neat and interesting job in bringing out the intense agony that regret can sometimes cause.
    "aches that can't be erased"..
    "no cure"..
    "reality, well defined".. - don't I know it.

    To live life with NO regrets. Now that, would be something.

    Anyway.. Good writing.


    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nasty fellow, this "Regret" guy, a rather evil personification, but that's the point, isn't it? I like the idea here, and the images (though some could be stronger), and of course I love the use of rhyme. We all walk along with this fellow neatly tucked away in our deepest memory, but he insists on attention every now and then. Persistent little devil, no?

    Suggestions: In S1 "invisible footprints" / "silent intrusion" to me seems a conflict. Shouldn't it be "inaudible footsteps". And then to streghten the image why not have him "cut" into the soul. Something like:

    "He cuts with silent scalpel,
    deep incisions in your soul,
    leaves eternal bleeding scars;
    memories you can't control."

    I know it's a different image, at least partially from your original, but I feel it's stronger, and something had to leave those "scars."

    In S2 "an ache one can't erase" seems not quite right, perhaps "to an ache one can't evade", and then L4 could be "from hasty decisions one has made" to keep the rhyme.

    In S3 I love 'a living, breathing nightmare", so why not strenghten L4 to "fear and reality intertwined" or something like that.

    In S4 "encompasses" seems a weak choice. I suggest replacing it with "exhales with."

    Well, mull these over and see what you think. I like this the way it is, just wanted to put some more punch in it.

    Phil

    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      A truely amazing poem. I loved the imagery of it. So familiar and haunting. Is the picture with it one you've created? This is one for my favs.

    Marcusj
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Marcusj | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm. *thinks for a moment*
    Firstly, I cannot seem to find any spelling, punctuation or other grammatical errors in this peice. Though not rhyming (and who likes to always rhyme anyway) each line in this piece seemed to flow seemlessly into the next without skipping a beat, I have to give you kudos on that, as I find it is VERY hard to do. On another note, I did enjoy your choice of wording and imagry as well.
    Now down to the personal stuff.

    "He creeps into every dream
    selfishly occupies your mind,
    a living, breathing nightmare
    reality, well defined.

    Once in your heart, he's always there
    gnawing from inside out,
    longing encompasses every breath
    it's what he's all about."

    These two stanzas stuck out to me, particularly the last stanza, and solely because of the imagry. I love the idea of personfying regret as something that physically lives and breathes, able to gnaw away at your flesh. That particular part gave me chills, I love it.

    Great work, and my apologies for *procrastinating* so long on posting a comment on one of your pieces. I have read many of them, and simply either could not find the words to reply, or was simply intimidated by the piece (which happens more times than not)
    Almost like I am afraid the comment I have to post will not be good enough to be associated with such art. Anyway, I am babbling now.

    Have a good morning, and keep up the great work.

    -Vampirism
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
      My God Lorna Im so sorry I missed this one
    This is one incredible Write!!!!
    To me you are speaking of negativity and the lasting effects it has on the human soul
    This is very well worded as is every one of your writes
    This is incredibly moving
    You did an outstanding job with this one
    This is another one to be added to my favorites from you
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I have never seen you write a poem so dark in nature, that it took me a while to accept that you reaaly did write this one. The point was well made and the imagery, again was good. The meter seemed off to me, yet I can't see you changing this without ruining it. I get the picture of some festering infection that attacks the body and won't shake with antibiotics. This is really dark and powerful way to describe regrets and hind sight being 20/20. Great work!

    Trina
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very well written. It flowed well and the word choice was great. Very unique and accurate way to describe regret. I regret many things and this is a very clear view of how it feels. I love the way you described it, very original. I haven't read anything like this. Sorry, I don't have much to say, it was just written so well. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

    Sweet Blood Vampire
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by SweetX_XBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you did a wonderful job with this. It's most importantly a very good description of regret. I like how you humanize it by calling it "he", which makes it seem like an entity all it's own and which you can't control, because that's often how it feels.
    Also, the rhyme and rythm is very good. It's not forced and it all flows and fits and makes sense, which I personally find very hard to do (which is why you won't find much rhyming in my poetry). Very good job, I love it.
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna

    Very good and an unexpected change from your usual form with the rhyme, I enjoyed reading it, it flowed through the stanzas easily.
    The second stanza was my fave I hate that feeling in your gut, and just reading it gave me the same feeling, remembering one or two moments that I would have preferred hadn't happened.

    However now I'm a little older and a little wiser, I don't believe in regrets, just lessons that it would be wise not to forget.

    Thanks for the read
    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah, Regret and to think that we all have walked with him in our lives. Yes this is a true write and very much a part of all our lives. I don't think that there is one person that does not deal with regret on a daily basis.
    Some of us find regret a comfort at times but regret grounds us and makes us realize that we are indeed human.
    You have given regret a name and a personality.
    He sits on our shoulder and wispers in our ear.
    Nicely done my fireind

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      holy balls,

    thats exactly what regret is...thats so perfect...a gnawing deep pinside thats been planted there and has remained there for a long time, and it consumes you. I hate regret, it's nasty and vile, and makes me feel like a piece of unrecyclable garbage.

    like a desease without a cure
    like decisions made in haste

    these are what spurs it along, and causes it in the first place. this sounded like something I would write, I thought, it's direct and simple, and in your face, and speaks very clearly, and I think that is so important to have that clarity, which you obviously have here. I liked it, and I just may add it to my favorites list.

    Brent
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      From the intro- duction of the dis-ease, until the last line this all works very well. It has a crescendo style that is appealing, and yet the feeling of regret overtakes me, just as it should

    Like a little memory bleeding needed to be done, over decisions made too hastily and how one can suffer the consequences of such choices. So the universal theme is in place, we've all been there.

    And you know that disease is caused by a mental obstruction that
    forms in the body . One that we don't let go of. I knew you were this smart all along! excellent, Lorna.

    take care,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the thoughts and emotion behind this.

    At first, the rhythm wasn't working for me real well and I think it's the long words in the first stanza that did it.

    The more I read it though, the more the long words are working. Often, regret can be a result of overly tangled reasoning and your words hint at that without being overly tangled themselves.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say this was a good write, not your best peice by far, but good. I didn't really feel to much emotion in this one. It's kind of the obvious, but nothing that cuts down deep, but perhaps because it's sort of like yea, that's what regret feels like. I suppose it seems very impersonal, there was nothing to really relate to. It was a bit to broad I suppose. Maybe if you added some more personal touches, such as what caused the regret, or what eats at you, not just the fact that regret eats at you. Do you know what I mean? It has potential with a great name for it, that's what drew me in to read it. I would try to twist somethings around, add some personal touches to it. Nothing hits harder than the raw truth of regret. Cause and Effect my friend, cause and effect.
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Cinder7 | [ Reply to This ]
      He can be quite annoying. Sometimes, I hate being regretful, because I am for the most stupid reasons. I liked the way you carried out your message. You manged to stay original and keep most of the rhymes seem unforced. A different way to describe what regret is. Well done, Lorna


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece because of the descriptive words. This can be interpreted in many ways. This seems to even have a religious aspect on it. Like Satan can come inside and ruin your life, almost.

    So I liked it a lot....but....
    It seemed as if this piece was unfinished. It kind of just stops abruptly. I definitely think that this piece could have more in it. But otherwise, this was very well written.
    I will look over some of your other work.

    Keep writing.
    -Strator
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Strator | [ Reply to This ]
      You are officially the Queen of personifications. This theme works niecely with the physiological descriptions
    used to presonify regret. The gender bias is a bit of miff, as we if we didnīt already get a bum rapfor being men, now we have to bare the weight of regret as well? I think regret is more of she imotion myself, being a highly social feeling in its root and woman being Oīsociable(and mothers having invented the guilt trip as well) it seems very approprate, to this writer anyway, that regret is a woman.

    My one concern is that the eternal thing is repeated a few times in the first and second stanza. you might try to find other angles to the burden of regret. Perhaps its wilting effect on self esteem or its cancerous attack on the psyche. You could also try to show how it cripples all future efforts.

    Anywho, it is an interesting write. I like the parallels alot. I think it needs a little more scope to complete the disection.

    Nice Work,

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good piece. I generally don't like critiquing rhyming poems because I feel like I'm out of my depth. This has a good progression from beginning to end and pretty well drawn imagery. My only suggestion might be that the meter seemed a bit off (like one beat) in the last 2 stanzas. Other than that I like this a lot.

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Regrets are funny things. They can affect us all to varying degrees. I view regrets as missed opportunities of what might have been if only.

    I don't subscribe to regrets, as I have none.

    A good and thought provoking write from you Foxy Lady.

    Sam.
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved the language in this piece... heavy and dramatic all the way through. Every personification of Regret has obviously been soaked deep in thought and it shows through the weight of each of your carefully chosen words.

    I do wish I had seen at least some form of a dramatic shift somewhere in the piece, though. While the emotion is there in vivid color, it does leave the reader with a feeling of "well, so what?". The poem could be so much more satisfying if the four straight stanzas of descriptions of this intrusive, parasitic entity that is Regret were capped by even a single line of dramatic shift, consisting perhaps of how his infernal presence affects you personally, or what you plan to do about it... anything.

    Those are my thoughts. Regardless of any deficiencies, this was an extremely well written peice. I've always admired your work.

    -Lance
    | Posted on 2006-08-22 00:00:00 | by giventofly | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't read any of your previous comments. There's way too many. It would take from my view of the write, so please forgive me if I add redundancy.

    Someone you didn't even expect to have come into your life. Someone you didn't expect to fall in love with.

    -from decisions made in haste.

    Was that the decision to get involved, or end the relationship or both?

    He still haunts you now. You miss him and it hurts. The pain is inescapable because you long to be with him but can't. You wish you could stop thinking about him. It kills you inside that you can't be with him.

    Well this is what I got from the write. I just ended (I think it's over) a nearly two-year relationship (for lack of a better term). I have a bunch of hairs at the front of my head that have recently turned very blonde. I thought I had grey hairs at first, they're so starkly lighter than my other hairs, but there is a slight yellowish tinge to them. I really think it was the end of the relationship that did it.

    I hear of people getting cancer from holding in so much emotional pain. Divorce can do it. Anyways, I suppose that's more extreme, though the connection between physical and emotional - when it's the kind of things that make your heart race (so you know they're really important) have such a profound effect. They seem to give a momentary boost to the aging process.
    | Posted on 2006-09-27 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem is perfect, awesome!
    i don't know from how many years you are writting but one thing is very sure you are best in your work, it is so suprising there is no single distraction, i mean that is so wonderful.
    this poem is so informative yet simple, amazing, how you do that.

    i can feel every single word written by you inside me. there is so much to relate, it looks like you have written it for me.

    regret is something like virus which enters when we don't know and shows up when you least expects it to. No matter how much treatment you take to remove, it only shutdown for another sutable time, when your memories of wounds are fresh again.

    it is a low and slow poisen.

    well i can only hope that some day i would be able to written like you. Till then you keep on writting, maybe for inspiring me.
    thanks

    bye
    nishant
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by imagination | [ Reply to This ]
      o.o wow... to be honest, I unfoutatelly don't have ANY critizism at all... this hasn't happened, lmao... Wow, awsome job Lorna... I loved how it sent a chill down my spine, making me remeber things I even now regert, those times that have come and passed like never-more... Hmmm, well hope to read more of your stuff here, talk to you later!

    Friend always,
    >Shadow_Mirror<
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Shadow_Mirror | [ Reply to This ]


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