Pure Chaos by precious

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Pure Chaos dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	precious_poetry
ASL Info:	19 F TN
Elite Ratio:	3.17 - 137/145/67
Words:	65

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	376
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	400

Description:
Yeah, I was going through some stuff when this was written. You can suggest some things if you like, but I like this one the way it is.

Pure Chaos dots

-------------------------------------------

I need this to be through.
Get out of my head.
My mind splits in two,
I pray for sweet death.

My thoughts are pure chaos,
Madness in me grows,
No one see the depth of my loss,
It isn't intended for show.

Want to be rid of lie,
To be calm from within.
Ignoring my own cries,
The anarchy within me grins.

Submitted on 2006-08-22 14:44:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I liked this poem. However, I have some suggestions to make it flow better.

In the 1st stanza, head and death do not really rhyme that well. You might try this:

"I need this to be through.
Expelled like a breath.
My mind splits in two,
I pray for sweet death."

Instead of, "No one see the depth of my loss" try "No one sees the depths of my loss,"

Instead of, "Want to be rid of lie," try "Want to be rid of lies,"

I think these small changes make for an improved flow. Thanks for sharing -oixi

| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

115392

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.
// Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
Adoration written by TheStillSilence
Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
The Want written by Daniel Barlow
A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
untitled written by Outlaw
Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
Dream written by closetpoet
Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
Live In Between written by teika5
The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
Hyle written by endlessgame23
Gaia written by endlessgame23
going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
Starseed written by endlessgame23
Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.