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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pure Chaosdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: precious_poetry
    ASL Info:    19 F TN
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 137/145/67
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 395
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 400



    Description:
       Yeah, I was going through some stuff when this was written. You can suggest some things if you like, but I like this one the way it is.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPure Chaosdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I need this to be through.
    Get out of my head.
    My mind splits in two,
    I pray for sweet death.

    My thoughts are pure chaos,
    Madness in me grows,
    No one see the depth of my loss,
    It isn't intended for show.

    Want to be rid of lie,
    To be calm from within.
    Ignoring my own cries,
    The anarchy within me grins.




    Submitted on 2006-08-22 14:44:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this poem. However, I have some suggestions to make it flow better.

    In the 1st stanza, head and death do not really rhyme that well. You might try this:

    "I need this to be through.
    Expelled like a breath.
    My mind splits in two,
    I pray for sweet death."

    Instead of, "No one see the depth of my loss" try "No one sees the depths of my loss,"

    Instead of, "Want to be rid of lie," try "Want to be rid of lies,"

    I think these small changes make for an improved flow. Thanks for sharing -oixi




    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]


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