Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pure Chaosdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: precious_poetry
    ASL Info:    19 F TN
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 137/145/67
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 388
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 400



    Description:
       Yeah, I was going through some stuff when this was written. You can suggest some things if you like, but I like this one the way it is.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPure Chaosdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I need this to be through.
    Get out of my head.
    My mind splits in two,
    I pray for sweet death.

    My thoughts are pure chaos,
    Madness in me grows,
    No one see the depth of my loss,
    It isn't intended for show.

    Want to be rid of lie,
    To be calm from within.
    Ignoring my own cries,
    The anarchy within me grins.




    Submitted on 2006-08-22 14:44:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this poem. However, I have some suggestions to make it flow better.

    In the 1st stanza, head and death do not really rhyme that well. You might try this:

    "I need this to be through.
    Expelled like a breath.
    My mind splits in two,
    I pray for sweet death."

    Instead of, "No one see the depth of my loss" try "No one sees the depths of my loss,"

    Instead of, "Want to be rid of lie," try "Want to be rid of lies,"

    I think these small changes make for an improved flow. Thanks for sharing -oixi




    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    115392

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Bond written by saartha
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Linger written by saartha
    Every..... written by jackz
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry