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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hurtdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Roberto Santos
    ASL Info:    18/Male/India
    Elite Ratio:    2.96 - 118/159/75
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 814
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1218



    Description:
       Recent feelings


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHurtdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It is said that our greatest verses
    Come from a place of pain
    But I wonder if it is worth it
    What could I possibly gain?

    It hurts me everyday to see you
    Because I know you are not mine
    Sometimes it seems you reciprocate
    But in that no consolation do I find.

    I don't think it is worth it for me
    To pursue tirelessly after you
    After all, if you don't care
    Why should I give a damn about you?

    The extremes I swing in between
    Great happiness and tremendous sorrow
    Sometimes when I think about you
    I ponder if it is worth seeing the morrow.

    Why can't you just end the pretense
    And let me know how you feel
    From the effects of your actions
    Drunkenly I sway and reel.

    God knows how I would react
    When all this pent-up emotion
    Just can't contain itself longer
    And edges slowly towards an eruption.

    Not many times have I felt this way
    So it hurts that much more
    Both anger and bittersweet desire
    Exist within my heart's core.




    Submitted on 2006-08-23 03:40:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      great to see someone taking the time and effort to carry through with a rhyme scheme!! :) one thing to be careful of though, you don't want to make your lines sound stilted for the sake of the rhyme "but in that no consolation do i find" maybe try using a rhyming dictionary if you're stuck for rhymes? or even use a slanted rhyme, it can add to the effect of the stanza and really make the line stand out

    i really liked the imagery you had in the last two verses of the pent-up emotion heading for an eruption, you carried it through well

    a really great poem :) keep up the writing!!
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by charl_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this. i've felt the same thing happen to me. The only thing that don't like is the 6th stanza. it doesn't rhyme at all, and it ruins the overall effect. just work on that, and it'll be perfect.

    ~sweetme
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by sweetme16 | [ Reply to This ]
      A really good effort, the continuation of the rhyme throughout the poem is good to see and is quite rare in poems on this page. I liked the feel of the poem it seem very real to life and somethin many people could relate with.
    Although the poem is quite obviously depressed it is not too down beat which makes it a pleasure to read
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by Mr R | [ Reply to This ]


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