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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: loneliness of flowersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 37
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1136
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 290



    Description:
       Thanks to Alteredlife for his suggestion in swapping the lines.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsloneliness of flowersdots
    -------------------------------------------



    this discarded day
    in solitary August,
    tarnished by the heat

    yellow petals sink
    to scatter across the earth:
    sunset comes early

    marigolds glisten
    as tears fall towards autumn:
    there is no sunset





    Submitted on 2006-08-23 14:40:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, nessie

    this discarded day
    in solitary August,
    tarnished by the heat

    this is a great image it made me think of how heat seems to distort images among other things.

    yellow petals sink
    to scatter across the earth:
    sunset comes early

    I just loved "yellow petal's sink" L2 seemed a little generic and I wondered if you could use "flotsam" in there.

    marigolds glisten
    as tears fall towards autumn:
    there is no sunset

    L2 seems generic also.

    Apart from those two lines I thought this came together spectacularly and was vividly evocative.

    DB

    | Posted on 2007-01-20 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this poem. It's concentratedness. It's beauty. The idea of autumn as a time of drought, all very classical but beautiful too.

    this discarded day
    in solitary August,
    tarnished by the heat

    yellow petals sink
    to scatter across the earth:
    sunset comes early

    marigolds glisten
    as tears fall towards autumn:
    there is no sunset


    You are a wonderful poet and a wonderful person, I'm sorry you feel so alone.

    love
    Sel (speacenik)
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      This is amazing. You managed to capture something with in those few short lines. I like the line as tears fall towards autumn. Its just so, amaxing. I love it. Good job. Vry original. Keep Writing.
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      I just thought of this... compare the two:

    this discarded day
    in solitary August,
    tarnished by the heat

    yellow petals sink
    to scatter across the earth:
    sunset comes early

    marigolds glisten
    as tears fall towards autumn:
    there is no sunset


    --to--

    this discarded day
    in solitary August:
    sunset comes early

    yellow petals sink
    to scatter across the earth,
    tarnished by the heat

    marigolds glisten
    as tears fall towards autumn:
    there is no sunset


    All I did was swap the last lines of the first and second haiku stanzas around. What this does is emphasize the sunset parts more fully as a dichotomy... don't you think?

    Either way, you've done wonderfully with these chained haiku-- there's a statement then a conclusion... written succinctly, leaving room for the reader to muse upon your words.

    Not much else to say except nicely done Ness.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      this was quite nice to read.. their petals I imagine to be singed by the blazing august sun.. sinking toward the hardened soil.

    the sunset seems to be a sort of reflection of that day.. or perhaps it brings a form of relief.

    for me the last haiku brings a sense of hope.. the drops of dew like tears of hope. 'there is no sunset' could perhaps be the happiness of living in the sun.

    sarah
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]


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