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    dots Submission Name: you made me this waydots

    Author: dark figure
    ASL Info:    17/m/uk
    Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 66/74/29
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1277
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 783

       i realy do sometimes wounder why people are the way they are its hard some times i think im crazy or are they crazy

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsyou made me this waydots

    slipping away
    with nothing to say
    this is love your stealing
    full of empty feelings

    days of pointless living
    tears are all I have and I cant stop giving
    this is a pain I have known before
    I retreat from this world and close the door

    was it my fault do I even care
    I gave you every thing I had to share
    what did I receive in return
    a cold soldier and a heart full of burn

    dose love even exist
    is this life worth live with out that colourful jest
    why were that way
    could you not work it out so we could stay

    do I have a purpose
    or do I purposely serve
    life is supposed to be straight forward
    but mine has a curve

    Submitted on 2006-08-23 15:37:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, so what I felt about this was that although the concept, message and foundation were evident, this could be improved from other aspects.
    Firsly, and again, there was no punctuation. From what I've noticed over my time on the site is that some poeple just see what a poem looks like, and if they feel it looks boring then they will not comment on it. Lack of punctuation = boring = math. And there was one more thing, the rhymes. To me it seemed that you put in more concentration trying to rhyme the poem rather than focus on using good description and imagery. Trying to rhyme the poem can put a lot of constraints on the words you can use. On the whole, this was not bad but could be better

    - Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      You've captured heartbroken sadness with your words. It hurts so much when it's over. I agree with you about wondering why people are the way they are. I think some are crazy, but also I think people can be just plain mean, selfish and heartless. I don't think you're crazy though. I think you're a poet, an artist - and artists feel things more deeply. They see the world and people more clearly because they have big hearts and deep thoughts and feelings. The world can be a harsh place to us because of this. Keep writing - it will add beauty to an otherwise ugly world...and I know for me, it helps me hold on to my sanity!
    | Posted on 2006-08-23 00:00:00 | by Lisa Milligan | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the concept of this poem, Rak. Your youthful enthusiasm is quite captivating. As you write more, you grow more.

    Try changing just one aspect of your writing at a time. I do agree with most comments regarding correct spelling. The only problem I had with this write was indeed that. It causes one to trip and stumble, losing the good effort you have in this poem.

    Re-write it for yourself and then consider editing it. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.

    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      dark figure - I was wondering if you would consider reading one of my pieces called Musings. It is very long because it is, essentially, my autobiography. You don't have to feel like you have to critique it, but maybe there are some parts of it you will identify with and can relate to. It's up to you. Just a thought.

    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Lisa Milligan | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh screw the world. The world sucks. Heh. The only people tha tmatter are the poets. *Crosses arms*

    J/k. I'm sure more people then that matter.

    But you write beyond your years. And, I take it that's from pain you feel? If so. Keep writing. It helps to get it out and you've captured a beautiful way to release all that emotion.

    Hey all, I'm just trying to get my reciprocation up. I'm down in the -'s pretty far. So, don't feel the need to comment on my work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things at Elite. Think of it as a favor from me to you! Thanks for the read!
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, so i added this to my faves, but I didnt' comment because I didn't have time, so now I am going to comment.
    Okay, I like alot of the stanzas, but there are alot of grammatical errors and it detracts from the forcefulness of the piece, and that makes it seem... less... mature in the emotional definition of the piece.

    Other than that, you have captured a serious emotion in your words, and I love that. You seem to have read my heart and have posted it here.

    "days of pointless living
    tears are all i have and i cant stop giving
    this is a pain i have knowen before
    i retreat from this world and close the door"

    That was the stanza that caught my eye the most, because that is how I feel alot of the time.

    Thank you for sharing. It was a wonderful piece.
    ~le beau vide
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by lebeauvide | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh man, this is.... this is.... this is the feeling the bittersweetnes of love evokes in my being, perfectly captured in words....
    "do i have a perpose
    or do i perposly serve"- i truly have experienced that this is the reason why so many of my r/ships hav been short lived, i tend to start a r/ship with no purpose or higher goal (to discover myself in relation to others) instead i end up giving all of myself in a pursuit to satisfy my r/ship partner...
    i can only speak from experience when i say that my greatest initiators of growth was pain evoked by lost r/ships....So brotha, prepare for so major growth!!!!

    Keep spreading the love
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by AfricanPrincess | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the flow, the rythym....its really quite lovely....keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow- 15 yrs. old. That's when I 1st started writing. Anyways- you show promising talent @ this age but you need to edit this piece. Just some minor spelling errors & perhaps adjust a few words here & there. Capitalize & add punctuation to give this piece that 'finished' feel.
    Example: (3rd stanza)
    Was it my fault?
    Do I even care?
    I gave you everything I had (left) to share
    What did I (ever) receive in return?
    A cold solder and a heart full of burn
    (the 2nd part of that last line seems out of place).
    Just little changes could make or break a piece. Please remember that these are only suggestions... Let me know if you have any questions.
    | Posted on 2006-08-24 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]

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