Okay, so what I felt about this was that although the concept, message and foundation were evident, this could be improved from other aspects. Firsly, and again, there was no punctuation. From what I've noticed over my time on the site is that some poeple just see what a poem looks like, and if they feel it looks boring then they will not comment on it. Lack of punctuation = boring = math. And there was one more thing, the rhymes. To me it seemed that you put in more concentration trying to rhyme the poem rather than focus on using good description and imagery. Trying to rhyme the poem can put a lot of constraints on the words you can use. On the whole, this was not bad but could be better
You've captured heartbroken sadness with your words. It hurts so much when it's over. I agree with you about wondering why people are the way they are. I think some are crazy, but also I think people can be just plain mean, selfish and heartless. I don't think you're crazy though. I think you're a poet, an artist - and artists feel things more deeply. They see the world and people more clearly because they have big hearts and deep thoughts and feelings. The world can be a harsh place to us because of this. Keep writing - it will add beauty to an otherwise ugly world...and I know for me, it helps me hold on to my sanity!
I liked the concept of this poem, Rak. Your youthful enthusiasm is quite captivating. As you write more, you grow more.
Try changing just one aspect of your writing at a time. I do agree with most comments regarding correct spelling. The only problem I had with this write was indeed that. It causes one to trip and stumble, losing the good effort you have in this poem.
Re-write it for yourself and then consider editing it. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.
dark figure - I was wondering if you would consider reading one of my pieces called Musings. It is very long because it is, essentially, my autobiography. You don't have to feel like you have to critique it, but maybe there are some parts of it you will identify with and can relate to. It's up to you. Just a thought.
Oh screw the world. The world sucks. Heh. The only people tha tmatter are the poets. *Crosses arms*
J/k. I'm sure more people then that matter.
But you write beyond your years. And, I take it that's from pain you feel? If so. Keep writing. It helps to get it out and you've captured a beautiful way to release all that emotion.
Hey all, I'm just trying to get my reciprocation up. I'm down in the -'s pretty far. So, don't feel the need to comment on my work. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things at Elite. Think of it as a favor from me to you! Thanks for the read! <3BCute
Okay, so i added this to my faves, but I didnt' comment because I didn't have time, so now I am going to comment. Okay, I like alot of the stanzas, but there are alot of grammatical errors and it detracts from the forcefulness of the piece, and that makes it seem... less... mature in the emotional definition of the piece.
Other than that, you have captured a serious emotion in your words, and I love that. You seem to have read my heart and have posted it here.
"days of pointless living tears are all i have and i cant stop giving this is a pain i have knowen before i retreat from this world and close the door"
That was the stanza that caught my eye the most, because that is how I feel alot of the time.
Thank you for sharing. It was a wonderful piece. ~le beau vide
Oh man, this is.... this is.... this is the feeling the bittersweetnes of love evokes in my being, perfectly captured in words.... "do i have a perpose or do i perposly serve"- i truly have experienced that this is the reason why so many of my r/ships hav been short lived, i tend to start a r/ship with no purpose or higher goal (to discover myself in relation to others) instead i end up giving all of myself in a pursuit to satisfy my r/ship partner... i can only speak from experience when i say that my greatest initiators of growth was pain evoked by lost r/ships....So brotha, prepare for so major growth!!!!
Wow- 15 yrs. old. That's when I 1st started writing. Anyways- you show promising talent @ this age but you need to edit this piece. Just some minor spelling errors & perhaps adjust a few words here & there. Capitalize & add punctuation to give this piece that 'finished' feel. Example: (3rd stanza) Was it my fault? Do I even care? I gave you everything I had (left) to share What did I (ever) receive in return? A cold solder and a heart full of burn (the 2nd part of that last line seems out of place). Just little changes could make or break a piece. Please remember that these are only suggestions... Let me know if you have any questions. :) Tonya