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'Here in a land unknown,
where spirit and heart rips free,
I hold the unshed tears,
for the land that never was.
Dreams released like breath,
emotions run like blood,
hear the wind scream its name,
for my land that never stood.
Why I ask again and again,
to know why I feel how I feel,
to hate and burn and suffer,
under my own self loathing.
Find me, and you will find death,
for I hate all and love none,
in the land of fire and darkness,
you will find me laughing at your demise....
welcome to hell my friend, for you and I are one.'
| A beautiful masterpiece of melancholia and bitten time. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this reminds me of my own dreams and thoughts in every single measure. I find these expressions and descriptions to be absoultely amazing.||| Posted on 2006-11-22 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ] || Thanks Chrystal,|
^.^; Well I probally should've mentioned that I was dead ass tired and very deppressed when I did this, let alone that it only took like 15 to 20 mins, lol... thank you for the review, and I'll try to fix it when I can actually write correctlly, lol
|| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Shadow_Mirror | [ Reply to This ] || This is too bad at all. It left me feeling lonely with a hint of anger. Very nicely written and this freeverse write was done in such a way that it flowed and didn't take away from what you were trying to convey. I enjoyed reading this and don't think I would change a thing.||| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Molly Densmore | [ Reply to This ] || Well, first let me say that this is pretty good. The only major distraction is the typos in the first and second stanzas. There are several of them that distract the reader from the overall poem because the reader cant help but pause when they come to a typo, which distracts from the overall flow and effect of the write. I would suggest going back over those two stanza's and fix them, thereby eliminating the distraction. I think the overall poem is very good at comparing one's self to hell. I really like that last line, it is powerful and well stated and sums up this poem nicely. I must disagree with the previous comment as far as the rhyme goes. You do not need rhyme in poetry. More often than not it is not needed, and just causes further distraction as the rhyme often sounds forced and not natural. I wouldnt change this in respect to making it rhyme. It is not necessary. Many of the best writes do not rhyme. It is more important to find the connection with the reader and provide good imagery for the reader to grab onto. I think this is good, just the typos that I would suggest fixing. Nice job here.|
|| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] || Actually, the title of this one was very interessting and good. I loved it.|
When it comes to the piece itself, something is missing. Your pictures are very nice, and one can feel the mood behind this. It has an atmosphere. Thats very well!
But the thing is, there is little but none rhymes here, and when you have made a traditional poem like this, seperated it in verses with equal amounts of sentences and stuff, then one expect rhymes or something.
This feels like a mix of modern and traditional, and I cant feel the flow.
But hey, this only needs some structure, and the idea behind it was great! You keep writing!
|| Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ] |