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    dots Submission Name: The Patientdots

    Author: Lisa Milligan
    ASL Info:    48/F/VA
    Elite Ratio:    3.71 - 38/47/21
    Words: 536
    Class/Type: Poetry/Trapped
    Total Views: 1161
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3426


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Patientdots


    "I am a patient" I whisper in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    please take care of me
    as I lie in this bed
    with my insides burning
    scared to death of this disease
    my bones ache
    I tremble and sweat
    and cry as I stare out the window at the parking garage
    where my car is parked, waiting for me to escape this nightmare
    I wish I could say I'm here because I'm brave
    but the truth is I'm trapped here by my body's rebellion

    There should be a nurse in a crisp white uniform
    who walks in confidently, checking my equipment
    soothing my fears and pain
    and making sure I'm safely surviving
    and give me my medicine
    but no, not for me
    I must roll over aching
    make myself sit up
    and groan as I force myself to stand

    "But I am a patient" I say in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    intead of being treated like a degenerate
    instead of being forced to stumble weakly down the hallway
    supported by the wall
    until I get to Them
    They who have the medicine I need
    They goad me to hurry
    like I'm some kind of manipulator
    pretending, lying, false
    their sarcastic comments
    punch me where I'm broken
    as they hand me my medication
    in a tiny plastic cup
    and They watch me suspiciously
    as I force it with water
    down into my unsettled stomach
    and They must check my mouth
    making sure I swallowed everything
    because I can't be trusted

    No rest for the weary
    I walk with fear into That Room
    the one set up in a circle
    where we are appalled that we must confess our sins
    to total strangers
    painfully, under the watchfulness of Accusing Eyes
    She who keeps forcing our souls into the bottomless pit
    She who smashes our faces into the dirt on the floor

    "But I am a patient" I shout in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    instead of being treated like a degenerate
    When we are done
    She walks out with her head held high
    secure in the knowledge that we will walk out
    with our eyes downcast
    out through the back doors
    and into the dirty alley
    to open the hospital cafeteria doors by the dumpsters
    and parade past everyone sitting at their tables
    they all know who we are
    all the time we are eating
    we are dreading the fact
    that we must go right back into That Room
    and suffer the humiliation again

    "But I am a patient" I scream in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    instead of being treated like a degenerate
    but you won't find that here
    I'm sick and miserable
    and need to be taken care of
    with gentleness and respect
    but this is a stop on the way to Hell
    because They believe that's where I belong
    They don't believe in this disease
    They hate what I am
    and laugh at me behind my back
    because it's all my fault that I'm here
    and to Them, I'm a joke
    but in reality
    I am a patient

    Submitted on 2006-08-25 10:35:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||

    Usually I'm too lazy to read such long poems, but this one caught my attention. After the first line I just had to keep going.

    I liked the story-like setting you had created, it really gived it the feeling that this was real. As Mehndi Rose here said, I really can see all the happenings - like a movie in my mind. And that's saying something, even though you don't describe any details I can still see it. Reminds me a bit of C. S. Lewis's style, actually.

    I noticed how the voice saying "But I'm a patient" gets stronger for every stanza, all the way from a whisper to a scream. That was good idea, it's like the "me" would get stronger all the time, and in the ending you say like it is a fact:

    "But in reality
    I am a patient"

    That was a good ending. Me fancy.
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by _taateli_ | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Lisa Milligan,

    Wow...this was wonderful! Alright, since I can't just sit here and comment on all the things I like I'll have to critique something...

    When you use longer stanzas, such as the second one, sometimes there can be one too many actions for the reader to understand properly. If it was slipt up into two different stanzas it would give the reader more time to dwell on what they just read.

    Okay to tell the truth I can't find anything else that wasn't already pointed out to you. Keegan R. Gilmore already told you about capitals and that was truly all I coud find wrong. I would like to be more of a help, but I can't, I like this too much.

    The ending really got to me and stood out. I can see everything that happens, for the most part. What I mean by 'for the most part' is that I don't know little details, but it isn't necessary to know every little thing.

    So, I am looking forward to reading more. Keep it up please!

    Mehndi Rose
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Mehndi Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is something unique, different than most anything I've read before in it's subject matter alone.

    But you want critique so I'll have to dig up something to complain about right?

    Let me see...

    I dislike the use of capital letters to begin every line, as I was taught that capital letters have two applications: the first is to capitalize a word to adhere to the rules we all learn in gradeschool, and the secon application is to make a scene.

    Capital letters are good for drawing in the attention of the reader, but if you use them every line they have no effect.

    You could use them to start sentances, but this poem has no sentances per se, as there is no end punctuation for any of the lines, but in this case, it serves the piece well, I like the lack of punctuation.

    I've little more to say as far as criticism goes. I liked this piece, and I would hope to see much more from you in the future. Keep on writing. :)

    ~Keegan R. Gilmore
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      I've got the creepy crawlies. Why? Because I knew if my parents knew half the stuff they don't. I'd be somewhere like this. This poem if anything has convinced me to stay strong and not break. Ever.

    Lordy, but you have talent.

    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]

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