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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bullet Delite at High Stakesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Finnigan
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 150/62/13
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1731
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 987



    Description:
       I think that you will find out that I have referred to things. This took me about a hour to think about and get down. EDIT: I removed a bunch of the commas. EDIT: Fixed spelling mistakes


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBullet Delite at High Stakesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sometimes I wish
    That that gun was triggered
    So I would never,
    Never ever,
    Witness tragedies

    I'd take a bullet to my ears
    Just to be relieved of feral sounds
    Screams, shrieks, the horrific media;
    Blistering the ears.

    I'd take a bullet to my eyes,
    Just to avoid the images
    Disease, famine, war;
    Death captured in the eyes

    I'd take a bullet to my mouth
    Just to speak no more
    Explicit words and nonsense;
    Sores breaking the mouth

    I'd take a bullet to my chest
    Just to break from agony
    Betrayal of family and friends,
    Bursting pains to the chest

    I'd take a bullet to the brain
    Just to sleep without thinking
    Hardworking days, endless nights;
    Killing the brain

    But I would never,
    Never ever,
    Take that bullet
    To end my life




    Submitted on 2006-08-26 03:03:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love love love this poem.

    Not only is it wonderfully phrased and full of well-chosen words, but the twist at the end is just breathtaking.

    It exposes one of the ultimate underlying human conditions -- the will and force to survive. Though we do not want to witness any of the horrible things that we have done or that are the result of our actions, we will never take our lives to end it.

    At first, I thought this poem was just another piece that was beautiful, but full of lies. Nicely phrased, but he wouldn't shoot himself I was thinking. That was well put, but there's no way he would take a bullet to his brain.

    Which means that when I read the last 4 lines it was just sort of a yes! moment. A that is so true! moment. And I love those moments.

    Something I didn't notice until now:
    There is foreshadowing for the ending in the poem. The use of the "take a bullet" "take a bullet" was well done, even if not intentional. It was never "put a bullet."

    Loved it. You did a real good job. Keep writing!

    --Jane
    | Posted on 2010-03-28 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to be completely honest here:
    This. Piece. Is. ASTONISHING.

    I can't put it any better than that. Your deep descriptions of why you would take a bullet in the eyes, ears, brain, etc...are so strong and true to life. Your opening starts off with a very stereotypical "emo" use of the gun, but you instantly evaporate any indication of possible egotism by making it about the rest of the world and not yourself.

    Your repetition of the particular body part in question at the beginning and end of each stanza is extremely well-done. Sometimes such a tactic can come off as cheesy or annoying, but it flows so well here.

    The imagery in the piece is overall, depressing, there is no getting around that. However, your final stanza is so powerful, so perfectly delivered that your strength and resolve couldn't possibly be questioned.

    The theme you have in this poem holds a "see no evil, hear no evil" vibe, which if not intended, is an amazing bonus. The theme of staying strong in the face of a morally declining world is perfect.

    However, PLEASE spell check some of your words. I hate to see such a fantastic piece lose it's edge due to simple errors.

    I cannot stress enough how much I respect this piece. Keep it up.

    Snake
    | Posted on 2009-07-30 00:00:00 | by SnakeBite7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow i dont care what anyone else says this is good
    why go thru truble to makr exxpression hard make it eaasy and take it easy

    &#9734;Raychal&#9734;
    | Posted on 2009-07-01 00:00:00 | by xxLive4lovexx | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this, beautifuly written! I know that feeling for sure, so I can relate. Keep it up and I'll read all the time! =]

    ~Phantom~
    | Posted on 2009-01-29 00:00:00 | by PhantomRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Finnigan--

    As I was reading this poem, I expecte dthe last stanza to be about ultimately dying, since a bullet to the eyes, ear, mouth, chest would definitely kill one. So it was surprising that you ended with

    "But I would never,
    Never ever,
    Take that bullet,
    To end my life."

    Probably the fact that it is (almost) impossible to take a bullet without dying implies that we will always be surrounded with tragedies, screams, betrayal, war, etc. Though negative and depressive, I liked this.

    I think the last stanza would read better if you ommitted the last comma, so the transition of the second-to-last to the last line reads without stopping:

    "But I would never,
    Never ever,
    Take that bullet
    To end my life."

    Stanza 4 reads a little choppy to me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I agree with VampireMaiden.

    Overall, it's a realistic piece. Reminds me of a song--"If we cut out the bad, well then we'd have nothing left."

    -C.L.
    | Posted on 2007-10-21 00:00:00 | by Coeur Lazulis | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, very good. A high class piece. My favorite part is the ending

    'But I would never,
    Never ever,
    Take that bullet,
    To end my life.'

    But that one stanza:

    'I'd take a bullet to my mouth,
    Just to speak no more.
    Explicated words and nonsense;
    Sores breaking the mouth.'

    I don't know, but there doesn't seem a good reason for the bullet in the mouth. I feel you could do something more than just nonsense, maybe something like the hateful words you say to others, or the retaliation you say to someone. Something more.

    But...
    It's really good to say all the things you'd take, to end any suffering you have, but you wouldn't want to end your life. I like how the emotion seemed to rise and fall through out the piece and the flow is excellent.

    Nice job

    - Kaela

    | Posted on 2007-10-20 00:00:00 | by VampireMaiden | [ Reply to This ]
      YOU ARE ABUSING COMMAS! D:

    just because you are ending a line doesn't mean that you have to put a comma at the end of it! it just makes it sound like you're taking way too many breaths like martha stewart does on live tv and it's just really annoying.

    this is all just a jumble of words that could amount to something if you added images but still would be cliché. you need to think of a good idea and then back it with images. GIVE ME IMAGES.
    | Posted on 2007-10-11 00:00:00 | by Passy | [ Reply to This ]
      Without the death, famine, and pure hell that happens in life, what could we call good? Yes, the bad is bad but without bad, where is good?

    I like the way you'd take the bullet anywhere to end the bad, but not your own life. Strange, but I like it.

    Sorry if my comment isn't very good, just my two cents.
    ~Mowsy
    | Posted on 2007-02-15 00:00:00 | by MowsysWrath | [ Reply to This ]
      very powerful. i see that you have gotten that alot
    but it is unbelievably true.

    a nice spin on an almost political topic.

    i enjoyed the rising and falling emotions that you set up and knock down with descriptive lines and simple punches.

    bravo
    bravo!
    | Posted on 2007-01-20 00:00:00 | by spartan089 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...i realy like this. I nderstood throught the entire thing everytime i read aline where you where going and i completly agree with you on this. I love the ending as well becouse i have been thinking along thee lines and had people wory about me wanting to end my life and as you said;
    "But I would never,
    Never ever,
    Take that bullet,
    To end my life."
    i thought along that same line and would realy like to be able to eliminate all of the things you said though as they arise. Great work on this it has such a strong message, great flow and a powefull since of feeling form you!
    | Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by FLHgg | [ Reply to This ]
      Oxymoronic, is this what you intended? If it was, I'd say you did a pretty good job of it.
    But if you didn't, then sadly it appears a little disjointed..perhaps you could work on the point you really want to portray.
    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2006-11-16 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      HI Finigan,

    I think the whole train of thought with the bullet doesn't work. At the very end you say you would never ever take your life, but all through the poem you are suggesting things that would essentially do just that...bullet to the brain, eyes, ears, mouth, chest, any one of those would do you in, and you're saying you'll willingly take them all. You need a different metaphor there. I get that the scary sounds, images, etc, FEEL like a bullet to your ears, eyes, brain, and a bullet to your ears, eyes, or brain may be less painful than those sounds and images themselves, but then you say you would never take your own life - implying that a bullet would be worse. I think I understand the idea you are trying to convey, but the imagery you use should be able to make it crystal clear, I think. Otherwise, it's not doing it's job. Of course that's just my opinion. I think you've chosen a subject and a spin on that subject that you could do a lot with it if you work at it some more.

    Annie
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]


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