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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Interview from Helldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Wolfe
    Elite Ratio:    4.64 - 62/94/25
    Words: 216
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 825
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1562



    Description:
       I had a specific idea that I wanted to hint at. I would love to hear how it was perceived, and see if I got the situation across.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInterview from Helldots
    -------------------------------------------


    I find you unqualified.

    To live, that is.
    You are vastly inferior to the task.
    How can you,
    So rude, so awkward, so inexperienced,
    Possibly contribute to my world?
    Oh, I see.
    You disagree?
    Well let us run down your
    'Qualifications'
    Shall we?

    Can you dig a grave?
    Your own?
    I thought not.
    Can you file?
    Without labels on the folders?
    I thought not.
    Can you watch the tailights ride away
    Pick yourself from the dust
    Smile at me the very next day?
    Ah, you see now, don't you?
    Huh.
    Well, I thought not.

    You must understand, sir.
    Oh.
    My bad.
    M'am you must comprehend,
    I simply haven't the patience,
    To teach this all again.
    I took on one like you,
    Just once,
    You know.
    I slithered my hand through the cupboards,
    Gathering the perfect mixture of adoration and free will,
    Adding a little nutmeg for warmth,
    A little tumeric for vah-vah-voom,
    But no luck.
    The ingrate.
    We had a...
    Falling out.
    He fell,
    That is.

    So
    No,
    Sir.
    My bad,
    M'am.
    I'm afraid I just can't.
    You see you've never lived before,
    Have you?
    No previous experience at all.
    How do I know you won't...
    You know...

    Fall?





    Submitted on 2006-08-26 05:56:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      What i loved most was your title. I don't think i've ever seen such a title before or even anything close to it. So i found this very interesting and i was very excited to read your work.

    The piece itself was also exciting. I really thought that you enjoyed what you were writing about and i can feel the way you've walked through this piece as though you were actually interviewing this person. I never been through an interview like this but i'm sure it exists somewhere.

    The only disappointment i did feel and i know i might be wrong about this somehow, but i feel your tone was a bit informal for such a topic. To me, i feel there should had been some kind of formality. It sounded more to me as though your interview was based in your head and not actually facing someone talking to them like you did. Nothing wrong with it. It's just you don't know the person you're interviewing and yet you do and that gives a mixed type of feeling. But i don't know. Maybe it's good the way it is.

    Still, despite the above critic, i found your piece remarkably interesting and i read it from the beginning till the end so easily.
    I did enjoy this very much and i am looking forward in seeing more from you....

    Do take care....

    ~Irina
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very fluid to read out... and I like the informal tone to this-- it makes it stand out because of this.

    To me, this seems like an interview with God who doesn't think you're qualified enough to live, and who also has doubts as to whether you'll fall ie go to Hell.

    What I found difficult was the thought that this was a dialogue, not a monologue. By italicizing one side, you'll make it clearer if it is indeed a dialogue. That's my only two cents as far as critique goes: the ambiguity of this conversation.

    Apart from that, as I said, very unique... and a pleasure to read.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      The message I get is that living involves dangers, and the only way to avoid them is never to be born. We don't know we won't fall.
    Suggestions: Change "you are vastly..." to "You're vastly..."
    I like the "slithered my hand". Nice phrasing.
    O'all: Great idea, nice voicing, imaginative approach.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      *sigh* i feel rather retarded reviewing on this because your writeing skill far surpasses my own, but i will try as hard as i can to point out things you can work on cause i know you hate all that fawning [censored]. sooo.... it seemed a little unclear what this person/thing was, was it someone waiting for a chance at life? or is it someone who is dead waiting for another chance? i dont know it just seemed a little unclear who the narrator was speaking too, and speaking of the narrator, was that someone like the creator of the world, a kind of "god" type person looking out for its creations? well, that what i got from it, i guess ifi read it again it would make more sence, but you flow hun... ah, i know you dont want to hear it, but i love it, the fluidity that you have to your writeings is awsome! me loved it! i dont know what else to say, you need people who are better at writeing to help you if that is what you desire. i like, what else is ther to say? tata hun. awsome write as usual.
    ~Shadow
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Wolfe,

    Applause! I love this, the structure, the words, everything! I'm not exactly sure what you were hinting at, mostly because I didn't write this piece, but I can guess can't I? My guess would be that you're trying to get it out to the readers that whomever the subject is you aren't satisfied. Or you could be very angry with an ex-boyfriend that when you look back now wasn't a very good guy from the start.

    Did I get close? Those are the only things I could think of that might make a bit of sense.

    Well, guessing game over, critique time starts now.

    "Gathering the perfect mixture of adoration and free will,"

    Though the line is good, I think that it should be rephrased, shortened actually. The structure you started in the beginning was short and sweet, and this seemed to drag out. Know what I mean?

    That's all I can really tell you on critiquing the poem. Everything else looks good, grammar, ideas, actions, and the works. Great job, by the way, on how you began and ended the poem. It definitely kept my attention. Iím adding it to my favorites.

    Mehndi Rose
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by Mehndi Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, Wolfie, I don't know that I've ever actually critiqued anything you've written - or even read much - and I see that is to my loss.

    After getting to know you in the forum, I was expecting great things when I clicked on this and, dearie, you did not disappoint. This was very thought-provoking, completely original and compellingly interesting.

    There was one part - right in the middle of my favorite part, actually - that I didn't understand

    Can you watch the tailights ride away
    Pick yourself from the dust
    Smile at me the very next day?
    Ah, you see now, don't you?

    While I understood digging your own grave and totally loved filing with no labels on the folders, I just don't get the taillights thing.


    I felt the Sir, oh my bad, ma'am business was a distraction and saw no point in it. I think the piece would be improved if you ditched the two places that appears.

    "I slithered my hand through the cupboards,
    Gathering the perfect mixture of adoration and free will,"

    Two comments on this part: 'slithered' has a generally negative connotation, plus, it's one of those verbs that usually refers to the actual being doing it rather than having it done (confused?) Example: the snake slithered - Not: the snake slithered its body. You could as easily substitute 'slid'. Even though it's more ordinary than 'slithered', sometimes plainer is better.

    Then, the "Gathering" line is rather long. You could leave out "the perfect mixture of" and not lose a thing (except some favorite words)

    As for the situation you are portraying, well, it's God talking to new humans, right? He's referring to Adam and Eve and The Fall.

    I enjoyed this all the way through. Very imaginative. mae
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    115882

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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