these three rooms
in which we live
have driven us apart.
Perhaps if we lived separately
we'd dream happily
of each other
in our individual beds,
but now all I see
when I close my eyes
Interesting write, it made me thinking. I mean, is it possible to have one word poem, like title being a poem. Because that is almost a case here. Basically this poem is like an explanation to a word play in title. Interesting.
these walls these three rooms in which we live have driven us apart perhaps if we lived separately again we'd dream happily of each other in our individual beds but now all I see when I close my eyes is blackness
I've been wandering through your poems and have stopped at this one only because it's the only one so far that I see something that could perhaps be improved upon to achieve more impact. It's the last word "blackness" that somehow I feel could be stronger, more specific, more meaningful.
When we are apart from the one we love we think about them constantly...to some extent subverting thoughts of 'self', longing to be together, seeing everything in it's best light...when we live with them, I think we start to think about ourselves again....what our needs are and how they are, or are not being met. Thus we become, rightly or wrongly but realistically, more selfish, more self-preserving. To express this my thought would be to change the last word to "me"
these walls these three rooms in which we live have driven us apart perhaps if we lived separately again we'd dream happily of each other in our individual beds but now all I see when I close my eyes is me
I think the line "in our individual beds" is not necessarily needed here. That point is understood.
I very much like this image of proximity creating distance.
This was very good. I liked how you used the word apartment in the title and poem. I'm glad to hear this does not apply to you. Very simple in wording but, your message of of how one can be sadden by a love gone bad while still living with the person is very clear. Yeah, things are far different when you live together. I liked this very much, it will be a fav.
I like the title and the play on words from it. Its funny how sometimes being together we can be separated by walls both physical and psychological yet being apart can sometimes bring us closer together. I liked this it was clever, as ususal.
I like this poem. It is an interesting play on words with the title and the situation. I think this happens often to couples who kind of smother each other being around each other too much, and the excitement fades as the "miss you" factor diminishes. That is the one big problem with living with someone is that you dont really have the opportunity to miss them. It can really wear on a relationship over time. Anyway, I found this to be very well written and expressed and quite clever. My suggestion to you for the last line is I would change "blackness" to "darkness". I think darkness supports the overall tone of how this situation feels. Just a suggestion for you. Good write.
Ooooooo....I dont know what the last three lines said before I read this (sorry, I will raise my hand and ADMIT I havent been stopping by as much as I should) but I like it with a capital LIKE!
I cant get into that dreamy part though because, I seldom have dreams at night...pretty much just during the day. (night is for sleep, sorry, just trained my mind that way...what can ya do, ya know?)
But therein is why I just stand an applause to the power of the last three lines and I really hope you dont revise them anymore. If you do, tell me because I would DEFINATELY want to write a poem based on them (with your permission of course...and only if you deleted or changed them...which I hope you dont)
I like the double meaning of apart-ment you explore here, it works.
I honestly have tried to find a suggestion for you, but I reword a line and it changes the flow and meaning so much that the impact is lost. You could put a comma after "but now," though it really doesn't need one.
And the introduction of blackness tells me the play has ended, along with the relationship. It reminds me of "fade to black" as in theater. Nice work, Amy, I wouldn't change a thing.
I guess maybe instead of "blackness" I'd say something like, "All I see...are these walls" or maybe "...the wall between our hearts" or "...between us" or something? The word BLACKNESS just doesn't go with the rest of the piece...
Interesting theme or premise for the piece though...for some reason it reminds me of how I have heard that Amish people live in houses that have no separated rooms in them because they believe that families should be together and not off by themselves, shutting themselves away from others and not participating in the group or sharing in each other's existence. Supposedly, in authentic, old-school Amish communities, buildings and houses are just one large unit and there are different areas of the room set aside for specific activities, and these can all be going on simultaneously without interaction between the people, but there is still a sense of TOGETHERNESS.
I, personally, would find it very difficult to live that way, for I have learned far too well in my lifetime to shut myself away and crave my privacy and independence...but that's just me. I suppose that were I raised in a household and a community that was structured that way, I would feel quite differently...
But then...they only bathe about once a month and don't wear deoderant or shave their legs and such, too...I'm not quite bohemian enough to envision such things as desireable...LOL
(We have Amish that live by our game-farm and hunting lodge in Northern WI, btw...so I actually have my share of first-hand observation of them and their way of living. It is quite interesting, indeed...)
But, I'm rambling...as usual...
Some days it's like I'm on speed, I just can't shut up...
Actually. I can relate. I just lost my best friend of 11 years, and I think it is because we lived together. I just started noticing the way she controlled and manipulated me up close because I dealt with the abuse every day. This brought a real life scenerio into words for me.
It has been a long long time cuddles... I must say not only can I relate to this write, you just summed up my next submission called shadowtides. You sum things up very well with your short writes... you pack so much meaning into just a few words, whereas, I write mainly songs now and can't get away with that. I know how rhymes sometimes make you irk. I disagree with any previous comments to change punctuation, or change blackness to walls... I know how you are about repitition that isn't needed. I think anyone who has been in a relationship that had to end before someone died... will relate strongly to what you have written here.
Hey hun, I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to your piece. :( This is my second time reading it and I like the word play and idea behind it. Living with people is sooooo much different that just being with them for the majority of your time. This fact was well portrayed in this piece. I love the "Apart(ment)" title. It would be cool if you could put that idea of "Apart(ment)" into the piece somehow but I don't have any suggestions for adding that in...I just thought it'd be a neat idea. I like this piece as it is already though. :) Good job! :)