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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: *Fell From Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 662
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 461



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots*Fell From Lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    As I fall,
    I wonder why you left me there
    On the edge of that cliff
    With no one to catch me.

    I thought you were the one
    How could I be so wrong
    You used me to get to her
    But she didn't want you in the end.

    Why did you have to bring me down with you?
    You ended up in jail
    And I could have been famous
    But instead I lay here
    Alone and motionless.




    Submitted on 2006-08-26 14:46:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      *sits for a few moments gathering his thoughts before standing, opening his mouth, closing it, placing his finger at his lips and sitting again*

    Ok, I am ready now, I think..

    First and foremost, reading this piece once more, I cannot find and spelling errors, very few punctuation errors (places commas should have been) and no other apparent grammatical errors. There is no rhyme scheme, then again, there is no need for one, and it flows well regardless of such. On another note, the imagry you used work well for this piece as well.

    Now, onto the good stuff..

    "As I fall,
    I wonder why you left me there
    On the edge of that cliff
    With no one to catch me."

    Immediately, I relalated to this stanza, as I feel most eho have ever loved, and lost can. That feeling of falling is by no means fun, and personally I don't think it should be endured by anyone. The ideal of falling off, or being pushed off a cliff is all too common, but well used here.

    "I thought you were the one
    How could I be so wrong
    You used me to get to her
    But she didn't want you in the end."

    Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal. There is no two ways about this, you definately suffered a betrayal at the hands of someone near you, and by the looks of this stanza, the possibility of betrayal by a third nameless party, though in the final line of this stanza she was redeemed for turning him down (if she did not end up in a relationship with him before deciding she did not want him.)

    "Why did you have to bring me down with you?
    You ended up in jail
    And I could have been famous
    But instead I lay here
    Alone and motionless. "

    I found this stanza a bit difficult to follow, but not because of it's structure or how it is worded, rather by the questions present in my mind after reading it. This fellow, or woman for that matter, apparently ended up in serious trouble (jailed) for his interaction with you, or the third party. Why? Was he of legal age, while you or she were minors? Did someone get hurt physically, or worse? What do you mean by you could have been famous? Is it because of whatever happened? So many more questions than this stanza offers answers. That being said, I definately am one who likes to be left wondering :)

    Altogether a good piece, keep up the good work, and I hope things, whatever happened get better for you.

    Have a great day.
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Vampirism | [ Reply to This ]
      OK, for the most part, I agree with Vampirisim but some things i really dont.
    I really like how it doesnt have to rhyme because most of my stuff doesnt either way.
    annnd, i dont find that last stanza too much.
    even if that person was "jailed" doesnt mean they actually did go.
    buut, it does all work and whatnot although i dont feel the title.
    keep working.

    -BleedingTears
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]


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