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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Summer In Snowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Liv2LoveThePain
    ASL Info:    19 - F - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.23 - 1527/1515/256
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 887
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1393



    Description:
       I deleted this by accident.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSummer In Snowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Underneath the street lamp's light,
    I finally saw myself...
    alone and underrated;
    a lit match in my mouth.

    Where to start? The beginning,
    before my red lips cracked.
    I caught myself attached to you,
    but now I'm over that,

    or maybe you're replaced
    by ashes on my tongue.
    Gray angels in my toothpaste
    match my smokey lungs.

    That was a summer in snow.
    I built a sad mistake,
    a snowman with your frozen eyes.
    All night, I stayed awake

    listening to "Made Of Glass."
    You know me way too well.
    I hate how you can look at me
    and automatically tell:

    I'm a liar, a bad habit,
    and know what I won't say.
    But I guess you couldn't see it when
    my closing eyes said "stay."

    The noose has been unraveled.
    I'm better off alone,
    'cause once I found that emptiness,
    I found the perfect home.

    Thought, "you're the only one,"
    but now I know you're not.
    I told you, I replaced you with
    the match; so dead, so hot.

    Underneath the street lamp's light,
    I finally saw myself...
    alone and underrated;
    ...a picture in my mouth.




    Submitted on 2006-08-26 16:24:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Great piece. It seems to me like it conveys opposite emotions. Feelings of hope and dread, saddness, happiness, disappointment and relief. I think that's what I like most about this poem. I found the rhythm to be a little off though, but maybe I'm not reading it right. Or maybe it's just one of those poems that are better read aloud. Either way, I still liked it a lot and hope to read more like this soon.

    CeruleanStorm
    | Posted on 2006-11-13 00:00:00 | by CeruleanStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      "grey angels in my toothpaste" hehe - what an original line! I can honestly say that I have never heard that one before :) I really like it, this who piece was very good - I liked the htought of this person thinking that the other person was the only one for them, and then having come to the realisation that they weren't. It was very, very nice!

    Cheers,

    ~Mandi Gayle~
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      Bad Nikki! Smoking's bad! stoopid too. I think i told you that was my one big pet peive when it came to what I liked in the opposite sex. Can't stand it!! idk, can't comment right now, that's making me hate the piece, and well I'll leave it at that for noow
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this piece. Every bit of it. I love the mood you got across.
    The fourth stanza was my favorite. And I adore this line, "I built a sad mistake,
    a snowman with your frozen eyes."
    Great job. Write on.
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by DisilusndDreamr | [ Reply to This ]
      im in class. i shouldnt be here. that was wonderful. ur so talented. amazing, moving, perfect. i should be going now.
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm...not sure I like the last line...the word "picture" just doesn't FEEL right to me...does it to you?

    I would search, instead, for a word that gives the reader a sense of a foul, burnt taste in the mouth...something that would give the impression of a charred residue...but I can't quite grasp what word (and it would have to be only one word or the flow would be ruined...) would be perfect...

    You'll have me pondering this one now...LOL

    Very good piece, otherwise...glad you reposted it!

    Barbara
    | Posted on 2006-08-26 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      i absolutely love your similies (not smilies ;) lol)
    my favorite lines were:
    "Gray angels in my toothpaste
    match my smokey lungs"
    and:
    "That was a summer in snow.
    I built a sad mistake,
    a snowman with your frozen eyes"
    you pieces are always so touching and full of meaning
    sorry i'm never able to catch up to all your posts any more
    school is driving me absolutely crazy!
    and my comp is broken
    but i still love reading your works whenever i can! write on!
    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by LoneWolf | [ Reply to This ]


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