It was an eye-catching, throat-tingling greeting
And palms following the intricacies of the nerve
Lines shooting their Morse code along.
Surreal urban hedonism bleached stains,
Which served out colors, voices, patterns,
A nightly dish of love riddles ushered on the sheets
To eat among the godly sphinxes.
The answers faded in the sailing leaves,
Bereft of any cargo but for ghostly summer
Of sunlit patches on the ailing grass
And butterflies entangled in the heavy scent of honey.
| Yes, a beautiful poem with liquid imagery and smooth sonics-- very pleasant to read out. As for interpretation, I think your title captures the overall mood perfectly, for this poem is a mood to me... if that makes sense. |
Nitpick-wise, two tiny things for you to consider... second line, first strophe: shortening "following" to "follow" perhaps? And first line, second strophe: placing a comma after "hedonism" to define that pause. Right now, it's one single thought that seems to want defining into two.
But either way, it's still lovely to read out.
|| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] || I know my comment wont give this peice justice and the previous two. buuuuut. I loved it. Theres always that one day where the wind blows just that certain way and everyone just knows summers over. it sucks. apart from the great vocabulary use, one things caught my eye|
SIBERIA????!!!! no waaaaaay. pm me back and tell me its not so.
if it is, at least sumone around here knows what real winter is.
waitin 2 hear from u.
|| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Drayke | [ Reply to This ] || surreal and sweet just as most transitions wish they could be. this sounds so chillingly like something i'd write.|
it's long enough to be intriguing but not long enough to be boring.
the sonic qualities are lovely! to be as blunt as possible.
the entire piece hinges on transitions that it never fails or forgets. i really think this is quite a lovely piece.
i'm really at a loss for things that stick out as "not as good" but one that does jump at me is "...palms following..." it seems like it'd make more sense as "followed". or if that won't work try "with" in place of "and".
I really like this and i will definitely read more of your work. [I wonder if this chilling similarity will continue to persist?]
|| Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ] || You've painted this moment of a passing summer so beautifully & with great attention to detail. I imagine perhaps a sense of being taken off guard - or perhaps anticipation of what the summer left behind.|
But whatever the emotion may be, you've done well at hinting at it - and not just spelling it out. It seems to me as though there was alot of emotion tied into this moment.
I enjoyed reading this.
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ] |