Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Summer's Enddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1149
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 609



    Description:
       Then all that was, was fair, when summer's end dissolved in passing rain.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSummer's Enddots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was an eye-catching, throat-tingling greeting
    And palms following the intricacies of the nerve
    Lines shooting their Morse code along.

    Surreal urban hedonism bleached stains,
    Which served out colors, voices, patterns,
    A nightly dish of love riddles ushered on the sheets
    To eat among the godly sphinxes.

    The answers faded in the sailing leaves,
    Bereft of any cargo but for ghostly summer
    Of sunlit patches on the ailing grass
    And butterflies entangled in the heavy scent of honey.








    Submitted on 2006-08-27 08:13:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yes, a beautiful poem with liquid imagery and smooth sonics-- very pleasant to read out. As for interpretation, I think your title captures the overall mood perfectly, for this poem is a mood to me... if that makes sense.

    Nitpick-wise, two tiny things for you to consider... second line, first strophe: shortening "following" to "follow" perhaps? And first line, second strophe: placing a comma after "hedonism" to define that pause. Right now, it's one single thought that seems to want defining into two.

    But either way, it's still lovely to read out.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I know my comment wont give this peice justice and the previous two. buuuuut. I loved it. Theres always that one day where the wind blows just that certain way and everyone just knows summers over. it sucks. apart from the great vocabulary use, one things caught my eye
    SIBERIA????!!!! no waaaaaay. pm me back and tell me its not so.
    if it is, at least sumone around here knows what real winter is.
    waitin 2 hear from u.
    -The-EdgE-
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Drayke | [ Reply to This ]
      surreal and sweet just as most transitions wish they could be. this sounds so chillingly like something i'd write.

    it's long enough to be intriguing but not long enough to be boring.

    the sonic qualities are lovely! to be as blunt as possible.

    the entire piece hinges on transitions that it never fails or forgets. i really think this is quite a lovely piece.

    i'm really at a loss for things that stick out as "not as good" but one that does jump at me is "...palms following..." it seems like it'd make more sense as "followed". or if that won't work try "with" in place of "and".

    I really like this and i will definitely read more of your work. [I wonder if this chilling similarity will continue to persist?]
    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      You've painted this moment of a passing summer so beautifully & with great attention to detail. I imagine perhaps a sense of being taken off guard - or perhaps anticipation of what the summer left behind.

    But whatever the emotion may be, you've done well at hinting at it - and not just spelling it out. It seems to me as though there was alot of emotion tied into this moment.

    I enjoyed reading this.

    Sarah

    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    116005

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    prison written by ShyOne
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Love written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Cover written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Carry written by saartha
    The World written by jjd
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry