[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Sunset haikudots

    Author: smartblond
    ASL Info:    18/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 97/114/33
    Words: 12
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 5480
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 75


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunset haikudots

    gently it fades
    down across the horizon
    colors paint the sky

    Submitted on 2006-08-27 18:10:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I could picture it all so well. And like Wolverine, I loved how you said that last line. I've wtached the sunset a couple of times, and it's just so beautiful to watch that mix of colors in the sky. Pink, orange, blue, and even a little purple. It is so pretty. I walked outside the other day and the sky was so pink and orange, it looked a little weird standing out there. I can't really desribe it though. It's just something you have to see in person. Great work. You really did a nice job with this haiku. It may look easy to write a haiku, but in reality, it's hard, and you did a grest job describing everything so well in just those few little sentences.

    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]
      This is nice. The only part I didn't like was "down across the horizon." I know it's possible for something to be both down and across at once, but for some reason it doesn't work for me. Perhaps something like "down into the horizon" would work better. I've always thought sunsets/ rises looked painted.

    Good job,
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Funny how haikus are so short, and yet so easy to comment on. :P Even if you hadn't put "Sunset" in the title, I'd have still known what you were talking about, which is very, very good.

    Because I wasn't bright enough to associate the title with the words (at first), I was drawn in by the question of "What's 'it?'" The third line is a beautiful example of personifying color. My only suggestion is that you find another type of imagery to make the second line more interesting. Then I'd be drawn in by EVERY line!

    Great job, Smartblond!

    - Aubrie Chihuahuii
    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by Chihuahuii | [ Reply to This ]
      i love haikus. this one is really neat too. i like the image of the colors painting the sky.

    i agree with the above posters the second line is really the only thing that detracts from the haiku. still, cool visuals from your writing.

    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by The Wolverine | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Dream written by closetpoet
    The World written by jjd
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]