Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Immortal Wishes of False Realitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/Vampire
    Total Views: 1048
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1448



    Description:
        Basically this is about a vampire who longs to die into mortality...if that makes sense. Enjoy or hate it...peace.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsImmortal Wishes of False Realitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I watch you wander without care
    I see how at God you glare
    You wish to die, but fear your death
    You wish to live, but to have no breath

    Oh dear child, I could grant your wish
    Give you your dreams, with one painful kiss
    I'd change my life for the one you own
    To share our hopes and fears in the unknown

    I've heard rumors of your blue skies
    I'd trade it's color for the one of my eyes
    Then tears would run like liquid sapphires
    Then skies would gleam like bloody mires

    You fear to die and long to live
    But is that a price you're willing to give?
    You may lorn your death to never,
    but would you be any happier living forever?

    I ask myself these endless questions,
    and find myself with no suggestions
    I'd miss you so if you left this life,
    but granting your wish, would bring you strife

    Suicide is failed when one can't die
    Life is love when one can't cry
    I wish I was you and you wish you were me,
    but what's in front of you, is not all you see

    There's more to death, there's more to life
    like there's more to a gun, and more to a knife
    So at that, I leave you with one last word,
    live your dreams, may your voice be heard







    Submitted on 2006-08-27 18:53:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was a different kind of vampire write, like most talk about and kinda make the whole blood-sucking, creature of the night thing cool (not that it isn't), but this one also takes it from the other side, like what sucks about being a vampire. And I agree, sometimes we want to live forever, but we all know that living forever is overrated and not that great. Your tone and language blended really good with wat a vampire would say, kinda cliché a little but wat the hell, its still good. There was also a very depressing feel to it, but not the whole I-want-to-die feeling, more like just angst, i dunno, i can't explain it. I like this write though, mostly cause it was like different from all those other vampire writes out there that only talk bout why being a vampire is so cool. This one's more personal, not bloody at all, which is kinda surprising for a vampire write, but a good and refreshing change. I like this one.
    Peace
    | Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this reminds me A LOT of Twilight! i agree with SAM...it does seem a tad bit forced, but yet, still good....its a cool way to put the vampire hesitating before turning someone...but i dont think it's a stranger...i think it's someone they know...and care about...and they're sort of using a mocking tone to mask their insecurities about the prospect of cursing this person they love...trying to make them seem a little taunting and maybe mischevious, but they still cant really hide that they just care...idk if u get wat i mean, but i think u will, cuz u usually do! good job!

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2006-09-14 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      the rhyming seemed a bit forced but i liked this peice alot either way but i didn't quite understand it it sounds like the vampire offering immortality to a stranger in just thoughts not words. almost like they've become lonely.... oh well i'm most likely wrong but then again only the writer truly understands the peice.
    SAM
    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by speedrocketguit | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, well, well, I leave for a long ass road trip and come back to see my little friend writes her ass off! This was very good. I enjoyed the way you show how we want what always seem better, or what we feel would make us happier, not realizing, happiness can't be found if we are not happy with ourselves and accept the things that can't be changed.
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm...Good piece..The rhyming was great, although at some points is seemed forced..it could use some improvment here and there..But eh, i'm no one to talk..

    "You may lorn your death to never,
    but would you be any happier living forever?"

    This seemed like the vampire talking..to a mortal that wants to be immortal..kind of like the vampire is talking-selling his immortality..I guess, I could be reading it wrong..But who knows..But, living forever wouldn't be so bad, if life was more than just pain and hurt..Anyways, I liked this piece..its pretty good..dark..lonely..good..Take care!

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      I just liked it. It did seem like the Vampire was talking to someone mortal about trading immortality but maybe that's just me. The feel was kinda sad and you did good with the rhyming.

    Danni
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Poeticprincess | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry I haven't commented lately, I haven't been feeling up to poetry as of late. Anyhow, this is another great work. I loved the rhyme scheme, it may have been forced a little, but you worked it out. I can't really elaborate on what the others said about the mortal and the vampire, but I noticed that as well. I really think you did well on the story that this peice tells. But, as speedrocketguit said, "only the writer truly understands the peice". All and all, I think you did a really fantastic job.
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    116064

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Fasade written by jackz
    untitled written by ShyOne
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    You read free written by poetotoe
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    an unashamed poverty written by Daniel Barlow
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Records I written by Raphael
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Silent Screams In Silent Dreams written by poetotoe
    Every..... written by jackz
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry