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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Smokedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Restless_Heart
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 44/35/16
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1043
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 820



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSmokedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Smoke rolling in my eyes,
    While thoughts run around my mind,
    Driving around memories,
    Of that time,
    When we were both happy.

    Taking in this slow death,
    As it keeps me,
    From dancing in the street,
    Playing with temptation,
    While it still has time,
    Because theres a chance,
    It will kill me.

    I want to do it again,
    Teasing fate,
    With its aromatic smoke,
    For though it may be killing,
    The person I am,
    Nothing is worse,
    Then when you took who I was.

    Squashing me underneath your hand,
    So as I sit and let the smoke roll,
    I'll smile because I know,
    That it keeps me living,
    While it kills me so slow.


    -Morbid Rose




    Submitted on 2006-08-28 03:09:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oooooooo. tell me ur not blazin ganja cuz ur heart was broken. baaaadddd idea.
    if its not, and its about just tobaka, then w/e floats ur boat as they say. I love smoke tho, in every forn it comes in, the way its so wild and hard to control. In terms of mechanics, there is very little wrong with the poem. the only thing i spotted was the punctuation. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,, too many commas. try leaving them out every once in a while, in some places theyre good. but it should read like a senctence. And sentences, typically dont, look like, this, they should only, have commas in places where a pause is needed. using a period mid-verse is a better idea than using commas constantly.
    good shiat!
    -The-EdgE-
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Drayke | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahaha...ok, I think I know what kind of 'smoke' it is now. It's very unusual to find in this kind of artistry, homage toward that. But I give you kudos for try hard. Now here is the paragraph by paragraph break down:

    Smoke rolling in my eyes,
    While thoughts run around my mind,
    Driving around memories,
    Of that time,
    When we were both happy. [[ The first two sentances were like a one-two punch opening, a very good job with imagery in this part and by the last sentance I can really get your heartbreak.]]

    Taking in this slow death,
    As it keeps me,
    From dancing in the street,
    Playing with temptation,
    While it still has time,
    Because theres a chance,
    It will kill me. [[If you were planning on keeping the number of sentances in each paragraph the same, than smash two together here or add one more in the above. Yes, temptation has a chance to kill but so has the 'slow death'...very good.]]

    I want to do it again,
    Teasing fate,
    With its aromatic smoke,
    For though it may be killing,
    The person I am,
    Nothing was worse,
    Then when you took who I was.[[HA! So she like...took who you were when she left, very poetic way of putting your feelings. Perhaps my favorite line is here; teasing fate. I don't know why, I just really like it. Oh, change the 'was' in the 6th line to 'is'. You have to make it present tense to make sense.]]

    Squashing me underneath your hand,
    So as I sit and let the smoke roll,
    I'll smile because I know,
    That it keeps me living,
    While it kills me so slow.[[All I can say here is that most people have trouble closing a poem. You had absolutly no problem here and in fact, I really like this. This last paragraph paints a very grim picture of your supposed fate.]]

    So that's the paragraph-by-paragraph play. Overall you did a pretty good job. What rhymes you had were on spot and clean, not easy ones that you could see coming. Good job, have a nice day, and thanks for sharing your talent with us!

    ~AshNight~
    | Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by AshNight | [ Reply to This ]


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