Things I don't know

Author: Tom110989 Elite Ratio:    3.38 - 35 /56 /21 Words: 110

Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Longing Total Views: 3905 Average Vote:    5.0000 Bytes: 671

Description:

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Things I don't know

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Things I don’t know If only you could see How much I love you How much I care for you How much I think about you Why did you have to be So beautiful ? So amazing ? So perfect ? Why did it go wrong ? Was it my fault ? Was it your fault ? Was it our fault ? Why didn’t we Say something ? Ask something ? Do anything at all ? I’d like to know Who you are What you’re thinking How you feel All the things I don’t know What to say How I feel Who I am

Submitted on 2006-08-28 08:11:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

I also like the structure of this. Usually I would say this is overdone and unoriginal, but even in it's simplicity you made it something new. It's a straightforward, but nicely oranized, representation of your thoughts.

| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]

i really REALLY like this write. my favorite thing about it is the structure. i think the set up really works for your poem. and i absolutely loved the last stanza: "All the things I don’t know What to say How I feel Who I am" this was a great way to wrap things up and pull together all that you had said. while also being such a relatable feeling. you did an amazing job, keep it up! Diary

| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Diarygrl | [ Reply to This ]

I agree that this is relatable. I'm just saying this to be constructive, so don't take it personally, but to be honest, I found this a wee bit redundant. I don't think it would lose any impact if you left off some of the repeated beginnings to the lines: If only you could see How much I love you Care for you Think about you Why did you have to be So beautiful ? Amazing ? Perfect ? Why did it go wrong ? Was it my fault ? Your fault ? Our fault ? Well, you get the point. I also have to say that I found it a little dry. I know you posted it as "random thoughts," so I'm not judging it as poetry, but I still think something written should be held to a higher standard than speech. It needs that extra something to make it different because pretty much everything you read has been said a million times, but you have to find the right language to make it feel new. Feel free to ignore me because that's merely my opinion. I hope life is treating you well, Amy

| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

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7. What was unclear? 8. What does it remind you of? 9. How could it be improved? 10. What would you have done differently? 11. What was your interpretation of it? 12. Does it feel original?

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