This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Things I don't know

Author: Tom110989
Elite Ratio:    3.38 - 35 /56 /21
Words: 110
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Longing
Total Views: 3905
Average Vote:    5.0000
Bytes: 671


I didn't know if I was going to post this one.
But I showed it to a friend and she told me it was great so I decided to post it.
Tell me what you think.

Ps: Clau, thanks a lot !

Things I don't know

Things I don’t know

If only you could see
How much I love you
How much I care for you
How much I think about you

Why did you have to be
So beautiful ?
So amazing ?
So perfect ?

Why did it go wrong ?
Was it my fault ?
Was it your fault ?
Was it our fault ?

Why didn’t we
Say something ?
Ask something ?
Do anything at all ?

I’d like to know
Who you are
What you’re thinking
How you feel

All the things I don’t know
What to say
How I feel
Who I am

Submitted on 2006-08-28 08:11:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I also like the structure of this. Usually I would say this is overdone and unoriginal, but even in it's simplicity you made it something new. It's a straightforward, but nicely oranized, representation of your thoughts.
| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]
  i really REALLY like this write. my favorite thing about it is the structure. i think the set up really works for your poem. and i absolutely loved the last stanza:

"All the things I don’t know
What to say
How I feel
Who I am"

this was a great way to wrap things up and pull together all that you had said. while also being such a relatable feeling. you did an amazing job, keep it up!

| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Diarygrl | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree that this is relatable. I'm just saying this to be constructive, so don't take it personally, but to be honest, I found this a wee bit redundant. I don't think it would lose any impact if you left off some of the repeated beginnings to the lines:

If only you could see
How much I love you
Care for you
Think about you

Why did you have to be
So beautiful ?
Amazing ?
Perfect ?

Why did it go wrong ?
Was it my fault ?
Your fault ?
Our fault ?

Well, you get the point.

I also have to say that I found it a little dry. I know you posted it as "random thoughts," so I'm not judging it as poetry, but I still think something written should be held to a higher standard than speech. It needs that extra something to make it different because pretty much everything you read has been said a million times, but you have to find the right language to make it feel new.

Feel free to ignore me because that's merely my opinion.

I hope life is treating you well,
| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?