Familiar Treachery (Under Construction) by LongPastDead

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Submission Name: Familiar Treachery (Under Construction) dots

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Author:	LongPastDead
Elite Ratio:	6.68 - 34/64/29
Words:	122

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	185
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	750

Description:
This is only a rough draft, but if you would like to comment anyways go right on ahead.

Familiar Treachery (Under Construction) dots

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You standing there,
my eyes heavily glazed as I stare.
Your corrpulent voice, I ignored.
Your innocent heart, I adored.
The price of love, my painstaking tole,
was my aching heart that you so uncarringly stole.
Your unwavering words, horribly untrusting.
The pain that wells within, never ending.
Your fault, you're to blame.
Burning hate is all I want to feel, yet still love remains.
Your brilliant eyes, I will take.
To show you such fortified pain.
Your drowned out voice, I will steal.
To say things left untold.
My soul torn apart by your hands.
My heart left hidden in reverie,
taken away by familiar treachery.

Submitted on 2006-08-28 16:54:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "Familiarity breeds contempt" -Mark Twain

This poem definitely speaks about just that, the contempt of a loved one. It is a tragic thing too, the fact that many of us do indeed encounter this dilemma. As googie says below, it speaks very well about the universality of heartache. It is peculiar, how often looks can be deceiving. Fine write, keep it up.

-J
| Posted on 2007-12-09 00:00:00 | by Forest Saint | [ Reply to This ]
  This is awesome. I know we're meant to critique, but I found nothing wrong with it... er... sorry (I guess).

Marcus.
| Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by Marcusj | [ Reply to This ]
  "My heart left hidden in reverie,
taken away by familiar treachery."

Great closing line. Its a great testament to the universality of heartache. I think there are some very strong points of imagery and tone that lend themselves to articulating the despair we all feel when we are hurt. You also address how it is to be expected. We know what we are getting into, but its almost unavoidable.

nice write
| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by googie | [ Reply to This ]
  Even readind this as a rough draft, I must say it was quite enjoyable to read. I thought that the meaning of having your heart stolen by the one you loved, and still love, is quite a familiar topic on this site, though I believe you portrayed it in your own unique way.
Just some aspects of this poem that you may want to revisit, or keep the same, totally up to you. One would be that at the beginning, your rhyming scheme was really strong: theres, stared. ignored, adored. etc. But about half way down, you attempted to continue the rhyming sceme, but it kind of weakened. Also, to have a rhyming scheme, most poems have an even number of lines, but your poem has 17 lines, and it seems as if you have tried to rhyme the last 2 lines, so I don't know if you have an error or what happened.
2nd line:
"my eyes heavily glazed as I stare."
That doesn't sound proper to me. I think its the tense of glazed. Maybe if you try
"My eyes heavily glaze as I stare."
3rd line:
"Your corrpulent voice, I ignored."
I don't think corpulent is the correct word to use there. Maybe try something along the lines of harsh or oppressive. That's just my opinion.
Overall good write. It was a pleasure to read your rough copy and be able to hpefully aid you in the creative process.
~Caotic~

| Posted on 2006-08-28 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]

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