He prays his past with lie and sorry and remember
God answers know, yes, forgive
He prays his now with help and thanks and no
God answers wait, faith, do
He prays his tomorrow with hope and will and keep
God answers now, all ... shhh.
| I love the way this flows, and the way you choose to end it. I thought of e cummings when I read this because of the structure you chose. Excellent work. Nothing I can see that I would change.|
Peace, love and all that other junk,
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]|
| One suggestion for line 5 is to change “will” to “shall”, unless I’ve misunderstood: Perhaps by “will” you mean “willpower” rather than mere future intention. This has a most unique approach. At first reading, I thought the language sloppy, but as I got into it and analyzed it, it’s remarkably tight and well thought out. I can almost feel your beginning inspiration in the alliterative phrase, “He prays his past...”|
There’s really little to nitpick here. You’ve already gone over this in admirable detail.
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] || Annie, this was so different from most other poems that I had to re read it. I had to absorb the fact that the words that didn't go into a sentence were, in actuality, words that made up ideas. Once I got that part down, I read it even ONE MORE time. It was then that I saw into the depth that you put into this piece. You formed round, dimensional ideas with the three-word connection, and semi-dialogue between 'he' and 'God,' and they built up a sense of solitude, like this was a singel moment. I really liked how God answered in accordance to each word-"lie/know, sorry/yes, remember/forgive" They weren't so direct in relationship to eachother that you actually creates the sense of a silent conversation, and I automatically made it up in my head. These words are just parts of what was actually going on. A fave, admirable indeed. I need to read things like this, for spiritual sake.|
|| Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Aetha Daemon | [ Reply to This ] |