I fear her
Eyelashes on my pillow from a girl
whose name I can’t remember.
Maybe cause I fear it,
When she leaves me,
happiness fills my every pore.
When she returns,
my defenses go up,
for fear of getting burned.
She wants to meet my parents.
I tell her they are dead.
But they are both well and fine,
living in the same house since they wed.
But I’d rather not let her in,
cause if I do, she’s bound to destroy me again.
Just like all the others did,
all the times before.
I can’t be vulnerable.
They see a weekness and then it’s a target.
Things from then on are never the same,
Never like it was when it started.
It’s a sad,
but true reason
I simply can’t ever fall in love with you.
| Seems to be the trend these days huh? People in a relationship for something selfish, not because they actually want to be with that person. But this could easily be applied from the woman's point of view...while women are stereotypically money hungry wh0res, men use them too for sexual reasons. I had a guy chase me for months and months..'Loved' me with all his heart he swore...then I finally give in and suddenly he's nowhere to be found and I havent seen him ever since. |
Anyway, now that I did my duty of sticking up for my gender lol, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you feel this way. One day you'll find someone that loves you because you're lovely, not mock love you for manipulation. It's just gotta all start with trust.
|| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by Never Known | [ Reply to This ] || Awe..............we all at one time or another are given a scar. And even though this scar heals...we are still left with the markings to remind us all the time of what happened to leave such an imperfection. And...then what comes of that.....a person that is damaged and not willing to try the same situation all over again due to the fact that they don't want to get hurt again.|
Love is the touchiest subject. I know too well the feelings of being in fear of love. It's so easy to love....but so hard to be loved in return. Therefore when the same table keeps turning...we feel as though we get fed the same food each go round. Only when we fully pay attention will we see the added dish to the table. Hopefull dessert that will leave you filled with pleasure afterwards. And then from there...you can walk away from the table.
I loved the way that you left such innocence in this piece. I have paid attention to your style and this is a side that is very much appreciated.
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ] || Hey LameMansTerms,|
Oh wow...that really is great! Your topic of choice was not one I would personally have thought of, but it is definatly original. Of course I must put in some critiques because nothing's perfect, you know.
When I read through the Description part you made absolutely no sense at all. It wasn't until I reread it and used the clues from the title to figure out what it was about. But, hey, it is only a description, so no real worries there.
In the very first line of the poem it seemed a bit weird. Eyelashes? Wouldn't that be a bit hard to pick out on a pillow seeing as they are so tiny? What if you said hairs? Or makeup on the pillow? At least then someone would be able to understand that a little easier.
Also, capitals. You do start off okay for a while until you get to this sentence/3 lines.
"When she returns,
My defenses go up,
for fear of getting burned."
Why is 'My' capitalized? Capitals grab the eye's attention, but if you don't do it right then they serve no purpose.
"Cause if I do, she’s bound to destroy me again."
This is your only other grammar mistake so I'll point it out so if you make changes it doesn't get left behind. If you use because it sounds too formal but if you use 'cause it sounds better in my opinion. All you have to do is add that (') to it.
Okay, now I can compliment because I'm done with critiques. Your structure is so unique and I have yet to see anything like it. Great job on the choice of words, you weren't wordy or using unnecessary phrases which made the poem stand out from the crowd. I really enjoyed this so please keep writing and I'll keep reading if you want me too!
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Mehndi Rose | [ Reply to This ] || Hey,|
I think this is a rule that exists in many men's lives because of being previously hurt. My b/f got hurt in the worse possible way by his ex-girlfriend. She cheated on him with a guy who was richer than him while he was away at work trying to make a life for the both of them.
When i met him, he was a total wreck unable to love anyone, unable to be too close; basically unable to give his heart another change in fear to have it broken. But the good part about this is that he took a chance with me and it was hard. It took him a year or two to get comfortable with the fact that he was falling in love again. And up to now, he reminds me of this story and he doesn't want it to happen again.
This piece reminded me a lot of him. The only difference was the ending. It's true, some women can be [censored]es (my fault, i shouldn't say this but you are agreeing with me right now aren't you). You just got to know the good ones from the bad ones. Pretty hard to do isn't it. Don't worry, i can't recognize a good man from a bad one. It sucks but that's life. It's all about taking chances.
Still this piece highlights certain emotions that broken hearted individuals go through. Nothing to be arguing about basically. Everything takes time. Some shorter others longer.
In terms of the piece itself, I really don't know what i can argue with. You have many vivid images and the piece throughout the entire time was consistent. I think there are certain parts that could use improvement but nothing too terrible. I can't argue much.
Nice piece. Take care....
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] || This is a good poem, sad, but good. I like the use of "eyelashes" here. I think it is less common while still keeping the femininity you are going for. I like the story you have told with your words, fear of being hurt is very real and very intimidating. It is easy to judge others by what has happened before in your life, however, that is a big mistake. Life is all about taking chances, sure, you open yourself up to be hurt and disappointed, but if you look at the other side of the coin, you allow for an opportunity to be happy, to find what you are looking for. If you guard yourself too much, you will push away what may be what you really want, what you've been looking for, and whoever hurt you in the past just isnt worth ruining your future over. You should always be careful when it comes to opening yourself up to someone, but not so careful that you prohibit the relationship from growing. Anyway, enough of that, this is a good write. You allow the reader into what you are feeling and why you feel that way and give good insight so that the reader can relate and understand. Nicely done. Best wishes.|
|| Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ] |