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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dial Tonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: juss_kriss
    ASL Info:    23/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.87 - 404/445/126
    Words: 231
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Alone
    Total Views: 935
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1436



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDial Tonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    verse 1:
    i pick up the phone
    and my heart starts to race
    i somehow manage to dial your number
    dialed it at least a thousand times before
    but everytime gets harder and harder
    i hear your voice and i start to shake

    chorus:
    and i can't explain why
    why i won't let you go
    when i'm ready to move on
    i guess part of me
    stil can't believe you're gone
    maybe that's why i cry
    when you hang up the phone
    and nothing is left
    but the dial tone

    verse 2:
    i hang up the phone
    and think about what you said
    even though you didn't say much at all
    i wonder how you could ever be so cruel
    oh, i've never seen this side of you
    was it you all along, was i wrong

    chorus

    verse 3:
    and thirty seconds
    is too much of your time
    to you it's a waste of breath to say hi
    because you have nothing else to say to me
    i keep asking myself why i try
    but i can't come up with anything

    chorus

    coda:
    i pick up the phone
    and my heart starts to race
    i hear your voice
    and i start to shake
    but i have nothing to say
    so i hang up, walk away
    as you're left
    with that old dial tone




    Submitted on 2006-08-29 12:57:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      1. Be honest.
    I will be honest....I didnt really like it.

    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    It was very cliché...but if that was what you were going for, then right on.

    3. How did it make you feel?
    It made me roll my eyes, eek...sorry.

    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    It's just an idea that has been done before. Very typical for a teenage girl.

    5. Which parts?
    "i pick up the phone
    and my heart starts to race"
    among many other parts...

    6. What distracted from the piece?
    You already mentioned that it was lyrics...so maybe take away the "chorus" and "verse" labels... that would help.

    7. What was unclear?
    "coda" not sure what that means exactly.lol.

    8. What does it remind you of?
    A song that simple plan would sing

    9. How could it be improved?
    perhaps read over your poem....a few times...and add a little more depth. You arent connecting with the reader...you arent telling us enough...ok?

    10. What would you have done differently?
    I wouldnt have written about this topic. But if I was going to...like i said up above...I'd add depth...add another dimension to the piece and try to let the audience connect more with the song.

    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    A 15 year old girl trying to get the attention of some guy...and she calls him...but hangs up. She cant talk to him even though she wants to. She wants to talk to him...but she feels it will waste his time to call when neither of them have anything to say.

    12. Does it feel original?
    Not so much... sorry.

    Please dont be mad at me cuz I didnt like it...I'm sure that other's will be able to relate even though there isnt much said...and I'm sure some people will really like this...ok?

    Keep it up, thanks for the read.

    XOxoXO,
    me
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by angelfyre | [ Reply to This ]
      well first off i did like the write. even if it was a bit cliché, i think its almost classic, of a young girl's feeling. and i did like how you said 'my heart begins to race' when you thought of calling him. we all know when falling in love, or you are in love, you get butterflys thinking about your partner. anyways, i'm babbling ... my favorite lines were:

    " i pick up the phone
    and my heart starts to race
    i hear your voice
    and i start to shake
    but i have nothing to say
    so i hang up, walk away
    as you're left
    with that old dial tone"

    keep up the good work
    Diary
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Diarygrl | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it. I mean, it wasn't outstanding, but it was original in it's own little way. Like taking something that everyone thinks about and putting it into your own language, into the way you see the world.

    And I agree with Diary...knowing your going to call that one guy, that one person you know you shouldn't be calling, but you want to, you need to, just to hear his voice...
    yeah. we all go through that.

    The ending was definitely a great ending, the way the tables turned.

    Keep it up.
    <Darkwinged>
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by darkwinged | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece too. I'd love to hear it put to music and played on the radio. That story about a relationship gone to hell and the person is hurting, self-doubting. But, then in the end. They leave the person they hurt them with a dial tone. Showing them what they'd been feeling. Good. I like it.

    BCute<3
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    116250

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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