Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lonelydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jeniffer
    ASL Info:    18/f/earth
    Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 236/266/76
    Words: 261
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 378
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1429



    Description:
       The verses are not perfectly constant; they are structured kind of funny, but they pull together in the end, so I think it's acceptable. The rhythm and rhyme is kind of freestyle, I guess. Just tell me what you think....what needs to be changed, how much better it could be if I changed this or that.....you know what to do.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLonelydots
    -------------------------------------------


    You are the seed with the most potential
    in dry and barren ground;
    hidden behind the leaves of success,
    you are the star that will never be found.

    You could swear you are the loneliest
    on the the road of loneliness;
    because you know that every song you sing
    and every hopeful glance
    every respite from the endless days
    will end in emptiness.


    chorus

    Yet you still coast on the hope
    that you'll find love someday;
    still you lay awake at night
    pondering what to say.

    Happiness teeters on the edge,
    your heart wavers on the bet
    that somebody out there loves you
    and doesn't know it yet.

    Someone who sees the beauty
    in everything good and true,
    who searches for everything good in life,
    and will find them all in you.

    You see each other in your dreams,
    you've already met in the starts above;
    what wonder strikes your heart to think
    you are somebody's perfect love!

    Your hearts are interchangeable,
    you know each other more with all you see:
    let one heart say to another, when you meet,


    "All thou hast been searching for,
    wouldst thou find in me?"




    Submitted on 2006-08-29 18:54:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't know what your talking about kinda off rhythm, I thought it was beautiful. There are only a few suggestions I can make to you; things to point out, rather.

    'You could swear you are the loneliest
    on the the road of loneliness;'

    I don't know if the ';' is necessary here, although I don't hardly know how to use them, I always thought things were just fine without them. Anyways, I put them wherever I think they make sense (note: above).
    'Lonliest and loneliness don't sound right rhyming together, maybe you should try to think of something that means almost the same thing (this is where a thesarus comes in handy).

    I would take the word chorus out, because making this a song sounds silly, because it is such a wonderful poem, you don't want to throw it off for your readers, or even yourself and make it hard to understand (ecspecially when we can't hear the tune, you know? It always weirded me out when I read lyrics and heard no tune, so how do I read/sing them?! lol)


    'Happiness teeters on the edge,
    your heart wavers on the bet
    that somebody out there loves you
    and doesn't know it yet.'

    Although this HAS to be my favorite verse of all time, 'your heart wavers on the bet' really makes no sense to me, I like 'that somebody out there loves you and doesnt know it yet' and I like that it rhymes but I don't know what it means! lol

    Oh, and the second stanza you repeated 'the' twice.

    Other than a few typos/spelling errors this I have nothing else to complain about lol. Not really complaining just 'pointing out.'

    Anyways, keep up the good writing and I hope to see more of the beautiful poetry soon.

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-08-13 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      Other than a few minor spelling errors, i think this is a really great piece. and something that a lot of us can relate to. i dont care what anyone says... i believe we all feel this way at one point or another... feeling so lonely, looking up at the stars, and wondering if that one person that we're meant to be with... is looking at those same stars... wondering the same thing. *sigh*

    This was really well put together in my opinion. i enjoyed reading it, and am shocked to see that no one has left a comment on it as of yet. i guess things just arent like they use to be on this site. anyway, thanks for giving me (and all those who read but didnt comment) the chance to read this piece.

    ~Poetic
    | Posted on 2006-08-29 00:00:00 | by Poetic | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked reading this; but it could've been better with a over- haul of the structure. Yeah, it raed kinda funny but the message was good. Just make the free verse a little less free; and you have no problem. Enjoyed reading this,


    -Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.