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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shallow pooldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: smartblond
    ASL Info:    18/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 97/114/33
    Words: 138
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 709
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 838



    Description:
       My life is kind of a mess. I feel lost and don't know what to do.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShallow pooldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here I lay
    all of the day
    pondering all my thoughts away

    Wondering why
    It was I
    Chosen for this
    I want to cry

    Sure I'm not perfect
    but neither are you
    i totally lost
    and know not what to do

    I stumble around
    My soul in confound
    trying to collect all the unfound

    Now i am here
    struggling with fear
    still i must try
    To at least persevere

    I want to scream
    I want to shout
    I want to cry
    And let it all out

    I feel lost in this cruel world
    Many more troubles
    left still unfurled

    Still here I lay
    All of the day
    Pondering all my thoughts away








    Submitted on 2006-08-30 15:50:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I thought it all flowed together very nicely. You ryhmed the words together perfectly for the most part. It was the second to last part however that threw me off a little. The rest of the poem had a nice flow but it just seemed to be cut short in the lines:
    "I feel lost in this cruel world
    Many more trouble
    stilll left unfirled"
    Maybe you could add another line in there somewhere to kind of make it go with the rhythm?
    Overall, it's a very nice piece. keep writing!

    =Ayane=
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by Ayane | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the format, for the most part. You randomly switch from AABA to ABCB a few times, which I suppose it ok if that's what you mean to do. You tried rhymed out with out, which isn't ideal for an otherwise smooth rhyme scheme. The fourth stanza doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
    "across all the ground" doesn't really fit in with the reat of the poem, and it seems like you just used it for the sake of rhyming.
    "trying to collect all the unfound"
    1. how do you collect the unfound?
    2. unfound what?

    Overall, it's expressive and pretty clear, flows well and easy to follow. There are a few things you could work on, but it's a pretty good poem.
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by freshcookies | [ Reply to This ]


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