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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Here and Theredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: MorbidAngel114
    ASL Info:    20/f/Behind you
    Elite Ratio:    3.82 - 445/480/114
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 869
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 939



    Description:
       I don't care what you think, I know what I write.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHere and Theredots
    -------------------------------------------


    A force begins to pull me away
    From wherever I am standing
    Yet the ground below is not of dirt
    Something unknown to man

    Winds begin to sweep over
    Raising me into the air
    Utter calmness consumes me
    Although I must admit,
    Confusion seems to be there

    Swaying north and then south
    Going no more than a few feet
    Pulled towards the earth
    Shoved towards the sky

    Where am I going?
    What am I doing?
    Lost and confused
    I don’t know where to go

    Unmistakable is the sense
    That no matter where
    This strange wind lands me
    I should not be there

    Years of searching avail to no truth
    No hints to be found
    Nothing, nowhere

    Yet deep within my depths
    Beneath the snow that is my core
    I secretly know…
    My place in this world




    Submitted on 2006-08-30 19:07:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Swaying north and then south
    Going no more than a few feet
    Pulled towards the earth"

    favorite part.
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by hush | [ Reply to This ]
      'Swaying north and then south
    Going no more than a few feet
    Pulled towards the earth
    Shoved towards the sky'

    This was my favorite part of this. It's written beautifully.
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by ChimeraNytemare | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey this works for me... Your imagery is outstanding, especially this stanza:

    Unmistakable is the sense
    That no matter where
    This strange wind lands me
    I should not be there

    This stanza really sticks out for me, being caught up in a strange wind, not knowing where you are being taken, but knowing no matter where you land, it will be the wrong place... there is something in this imagery and message that I can't put my paws on, but it will come to me... possibly stands out because it ALMOST appears the entire write may have been inspired by this one thought.

    Now the nitpicking stuff. In stanza one last line you refer to 'the man'... nowhere else is a man mentioned, so I am wondering if this wind is 'the man', or if you were referring to 'unknown to man' in general.

    Also. One more little thingy that irks me with writes... is when they end with a question. I like to be led through writes with imagery, imagination, and the author's ability to lead me by my interest, but when we get to the end and we are asked a question, I kinda feel like you led me all the way through by the hand, and then jerked my arm. I would lose 'do you?' personally. Other than that you kept your message together really well.
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
      I got this vision of an angel flying around, being yanked back and forth by temptations of Earth and the glory that is Heaven. I don't know that's just personal opinion though. You painted an interesting picture....*Ponders*

    I MISS YOU!

    BCute<3
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really a good write that immediately drew me back to a reoccuring dream I had as a child where I always felt like I was flying away from the Earth and back to Heaven
    To this day I swear to you I feel like I truly flew
    Thank You for bringing this memory back to me
    I loved this
    God Bless
    Ron
    Please keep in touch!!!
    | Posted on 2006-08-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      *sits for a few moments, lost in thought before standing, placing his finger to his chin and opening his mouth, attempting to speak, the words escaping him, he sits, plunging deeper into thought*

    Alright, I think I am ready now...

    First and foremost, very well written poem. I cannot seem to find any grammatical or spelling errors, a few commas could be used in a few places, but that is just trivial stuff. The only other thing I personally see wrong with this piece is that stanza two is five lines, and stanza five is three lines, is there anyway to arrange these, so that the piece follows the "four" flow completely?

    On to my customary critique/analysis..

    "A force begins to pull me away
    From wherever I am standing
    Yet the ground below is not of dirt
    Something unknown to man"

    A stable stanza. No real errors. Personally, I would have look for a way to make it more vivid and unique, but it still works well in its own right. It's just that, for some reason, it seemed slightly.. vague.. and maybe it was supposed to be, I am not sure.

    "Winds begin to sweep over
    Raising me into the air
    Utter calmness consumes me
    Although I must admit,
    Confusion seems to be there"

    Another well written stanza, and this one, in my opinion is much less vague. In this stanza you get the clear picture of someone being lifted into the air, or perhaps, just gliding in it. Also, it is touched upon how such makes you feel. Also, if you don't feel I'd be too much of a pompous ass, I would like to offer my suggestion as to how to shorten this stanza, to make it fit the "four" line flow...

    ..." Turbid winds sweeping over
    Raising me into the air
    Utter calmness consuming
    though, confusion seems to be there..."

    As I said.. just a suggestion, take it for a grain of salt if you like.

    "Swaying north and then south
    Going no more than a few feet
    Pulled towards the earth
    Shoved towards the sky"

    Another great stanza. Only a few commas are needed here, for pausing purposes. Other than that, nothing I would change.

    "Unmistakable is the sense
    That no matter where
    This strange wind lands me
    I should not be there"

    I like this stanza, the flow is perfect, and can relate to the ideal expressed very much. We have all felt lost or confused, and most of all, out of control, at some point in our lives. Feeling like no matter where life may lead you, it certainly won't be the right place. Kudos, this is my favorite stanza.

    "Years of searching avail to no truth
    No hints to be found
    Nothing, nowhere"

    Nothing really wrong here either, except for the previosly mention three line deal. And correcting that to me is as simple as splitting the first line in two...

    ..."Years of searching
    avail to no truth
    No hints to be found
    Nothing, nowhere..."

    As I said, just a suggestion.

    Overall, this was an excellent piece, well written from start to finish with very few errors.
    Thanks for the read, and keep up the work, and certainly don't let the comments of ones like me intimidate you.
    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by The Forsaken | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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