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    dots Submission Name: goodbye choirdots

    Author: Cherub Winter
    ASL Info:    21/m/IL
    Elite Ratio:    3.31 - 17/20/11
    Words: 198
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 791
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1252

       We are hopelessly in love, and are now separated by oceans.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsgoodbye choirdots

    As a cherub's heart grows cold
    Unforgiving winter forever rests on his soul
    His faith is lost, his memories old
    With choirs around him, but never is whole
    His tears are frozen upon his chin
    For he stopped weeping long ago
    His sorrows run dry, his patience wears thin
    Unable to feel, Unable to grow
    Trapped between worlds of glory and ghosts
    Reaching right through her, seeing past he
    Longing to bid farewell to our Lord of Hosts
    To embody a boy, to give up his eternity
    A cherub's love unfurls endlessly
    Unraveling to her soul, flesh and bone
    Together as one, falling over restlessly
    With new found happiness, he's never alone
    A lifetime he was granted, never looking first
    To face hardship upon loss and portrayal
    He loved her adoringly, for better or worse
    To smite and curse misery and betrayal
    They held eachother through years that past
    Until she would sleep back in the land
    He looked up to his father with no regret
    Take care of her for me,until morrow days
    Again i will take her hand and yours
    For I gave you my eternity, now I am only
    but man

    Submitted on 2006-08-30 21:44:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love this one bro.
    | Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by spacedoutboy | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that was good. Maybe you should try cutting out some of the pronouns (his, he) the sex of the subject is already established and this just adds more to read and less to remember. Other than that I see a lot of emotion and it comes off pretty powerful to me.
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Ardious Maximus | [ Reply to This ]

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