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    dots Submission Name: New Kid (Revised)dots

    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 909
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 662

       When we moved from Minnesota to Texas, the kids called us Yankees. All the cars had "Native Texan" bumper stickers, so I learned pretty quickly how to say "Ya'll."

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNew Kid (Revised)dots

    The summer I was five
    we moved from Minnesota to Houston.
    While our mom unpacked the china
    our dad shopped for an air conditioner.

    My brother and I swung
    From our new chinaberry tree
    To an audience
    Of neighborhood kids below.

    They schooled us in southern hospitality:
    What do ya’ll have to drink?
    We offered pop.
    Yankees, they called us.

    What’s that? we asked.
    People that say pop, they laughed.
    We laughed, too,
    without knowing why.

    Now I drink cokes instead,
    But the ice still melts just as fast.

    Submitted on 2006-08-30 23:49:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      nitpicking details:
    i think you should add punctuation at the ends of all the lines in the first 2 stanzas, because you do in the rest.
    and i think
    "Our mom unpacked the china
    as our dad shopped for an air conditioner."
    would sound better. actually, i think the whole first stanza could do with some improvement; it's not as strong as the rest of the poem.
    also, it's "y'all", not "ya'll", haha.

    i would love to see some more expansion in this piece (though i understand you've already revised it, so i don't demand it). more imagery, descriptions of what texas is like, contrasts between minnesota and houston. i know you might not want to make the poem that long, but a few adjectives and adverbs added in would help to illustrate what you were feeling, what the place was like, or what the kids were like. for instance:

    My brother and I tentatively swung
    From our new chinaberry tree
    To a curious audience
    Of dusty neighborhood kids below.

    you obvs don't have to accept my changes, but a few words can go a long way, as i'm sure you know.

    i really like the last two lines. they make for a perfect ending. i also enjoyed the casual style; it fits really well.

    hmm, i've never liked or used the word "y'all", though i've lived in the south. it's interesting to note the linguistic differences in a common language between the states, even though it's within the same country. i say soda, myself. well, good write, i liked it. and i'm not just saying that to "be nice".
    | Posted on 2007-08-08 00:00:00 | by explosions | [ Reply to This ]
      A little bit of color that is probably just as applicable today as ever. Kids can be funny that way. Ever hear of RC? The old staples used to be an RC and a moon pie!
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      So, do you still say, 'y'all'? Nice job here, as always. Are we gonna see you in print any time soon?

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

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