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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: GET OUT OF MY CARdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bigrig0625
    ASL Info:    34 M Tx
    Elite Ratio:    2.96 - 40/73/19
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 975
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 826



    Description:
       I was trying to be a little bit funny but here's the lesson. Even though, In this story, I've kicked him out. Look at the condition of the car! It works the same in your mind. If you let someone run over you for too long, even if you kick them out you'll still be broke down. In my mind, I'll talk to you thru the window, but if I don't like you, you're not getting in!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGET OUT OF MY CARdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Get out of my car
    Just leave me alone
    I'm tired and upset
    And wanna go home

    You climbed in my car
    And wanted a ride
    You swore up and down
    There's nothing to hide

    The cops pulled us over
    You thought about running
    Now I smell weed
    Is there something burning?

    You've messed with my radio
    And changed the a/c
    You rolled up my windows
    And lost my key

    My mirrors are broken
    My tires are now flat
    The carpet is smoking
    And you did that

    Just get out and go
    I don't wanna talk
    You've pissed me off
    So now you can walk



    ~bigrig0625~









    Submitted on 2006-08-31 10:02:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Lol thatís funny, itís short and sweet and straight to the point like many poems should be. Some people write poetry and they get completely off the point, then the reader canít even remember what they are reading about. Luckily for us you havenít done that.

    Itís a breath of fresh air reading a comedy poem, as most poems on this site are suicidal and depressing, and annoyingly after reading a few of them, the mood starts to rub off on people.

    Anyway itís really funny that you actually named what the person did, it gives the reader the impression that you put up with what that person was doing for quite a while until you finally couldnít take it anymore and you justÖsnap. It also gives me the impression that you could be saying this poem through gritted teeth, I donít know why lol.

    I guess I should critique this a bit if I want to leave a comment. Well, the rhyme scheme is great and youíve managed to keep the flow throughout the whole poem. However, the last line in stanza five seems a bit short somehow; maybe you could insert another one syllable word in there.

    But other than that its great write and thanks for the enjoyable read, keep writing.

    Linzi xx
    | Posted on 2006-11-30 00:00:00 | by Linzi | [ Reply to This ]
      That one made me laugh a bit, good write, keep writing, Dean
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Survivor_Dean | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it, as I always do. And as always, the rhyming scheme works. My only writing suggestion would be, to help make it flow better in the fifth stanza, maybe for the last line make it:
    "And you all did that"
    Instead of
    "And you did that"
    Nice job and I like the meaning on how you cant always be nice to people because they could ruin your life, or car in this example. Good job. I like it. My friend also posted a new poem if you want to check it out.
    ~Caotic~
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]
      Thats a short and sweet poem. Everything makes sense, I didn't see any spelling errors.
    I love how frank this poem is. You got straight to the point. Telling the person to get out. The greatest thing tho, was how you described what they did to piss you off. I definitely liked this piece.

    Good Job!
    Keep Writing.

    -Strator
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Strator | [ Reply to This ]
      Lol. That was an interesting poem. It teaches a lesson, but you use humor at it too. I enjoyed reading that. Usually, most poems I don't smile to but this one was really fun to read! The flow was great and no spelling errors.
    I would love to read more of your poems! Thanks for making me laugh!

    ~*~ Lisa ~*~
    | Posted on 2006-08-31 00:00:00 | by Nani | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a really cute poem, the flow was perfect and i like how you tell a story i can so easily relate to. i love to see poetry with humor in it.
    Good write hun :)
    | Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by Jenni Bean | [ Reply to This ]
      this is spiffy...more poems should be like this one....i like it when a poem can make me giggle a little, so yeah....
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      This was funny, and kind of cute, and in very very strange way reminded me of Dr. Seuss. Don't ask. Only thing I would recommend is cutting the cursing because poetry is supposed to be a form of art, and there's nothing artistic about cursing.
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by Aurora-Borealis | [ Reply to This ]


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