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Author: rememberplaydoh
Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 78 /103 /60
Words: 60
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1226
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 447



Description:


Okay...so, I'm not suicidal. I wasn't even FEELING suicidal when I wrote this. I just started writing and this is what came out...soooo....take it as you will (or something).


Out!



Out!
I want to be out.
I want to run,
and jump,
and fly,
and fall.
I want to leave,
leave it all behind,
move beyond
to oblivion.

Gone!
I want them gone.
All my thoughts
pick them up
hold them high
choke them
end them
kill them.
They have to die...
I have to die...
The end
has...to...come...




Submitted on 2006-08-31 22:49:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Yeah, I echo Cris' sentiments. Details are needed in this piece so the reader can relate more clearly. Suicide crosses everyone's mind at one time or another (at least I think it does) but there is significance in the circumstances which spawn such ideas.

The writing: This is fairly intense but again, more adjectives to spice it up (but don't go overboard) for example: instead of "hold them high - choke them" maybe "hoist them high/up and hatefully strangle them" or even "strangle them with malice"

But hey, it is your poem - perhaps you thought about it and chose not to include such descriptions intentionally. Maybe you deemed such things unimportant. Thats the beauty of art - there is no right or wrong. But I would had appreciated more details.

I am curious - how long did it take to write this? I get the impression from your description that it did not take long and we're seeing a first draft, correct?

I'd say the challenge you have in writing this lays in the fact that suicide is an unoriginal idea and to write this, you have to think of a new/clever way of giving it to us.

But do keep at this piece - with specifics, it could be quite interesting.

Art Lives!
T.J.

| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good write, I'm a little confused about it though. What I can gather is someone is wanting out of a bad situation, they want to leave behind their past and everyone that gave them problems and just start all over again. I'm not sure though. I think the only thing I would include is who these people are, and what the situation was. Just to give some detail. Overall this is a good piece :), keep writing!

~Cris
| Posted on 2006-09-01 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]


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