Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I lost my freind todaydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: totojane03
    ASL Info:    25- colorado springs
    Elite Ratio:    3.95 - 151/77/35
    Words: 266
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 929
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1621



    Description:
       This is a poem about someone who was more then just a freind..
    And this is a true story,not fiction.
    This is one of the first true story one's I have written that is based on something real,
    And my reactions, and the way I felt..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI lost my freind todaydots
    -------------------------------------------


    I went to my Bible today,
    Because I need some comfort,
    After the unthinkable news I'd recived,
    At first I denied that it was true,
    It's couldn't have possible been you,
    It did not seem like it was someone,
    I had knew,
    And when his mother had ran into me,
    Down town she smiled,
    Not showing her hurt or frown,
    She handed me a peace of papper,
    I just glanced at it not really reading it,
    And after I had was done with my work on the computer,
    She'd already gone,
    Then I took that peace of paper she'd given me,
    And went out side to read it,
    As I smoked a cigerett,
    Relizing that I new him,
    And had talked with him often,
    That is when the tears came pouring down,
    Erasing my smile,
    Turning it into a frown,
    Wishing that it couldn't have been,
    For not only was he a good person,
    He was my freind,
    As I looked at the photo on the peace of paper,
    Just seeing his big bright beautiful smile,
    It made cry,
    But feel a little happer inside,
    His smile could get to you so easily,
    even if you were having a bad day,
    So I just sat there,
    Crying for a while,
    As I prayed,
    God I lost my friend today,
    It hurts alot,
    I know that he is in your care,
    Safe up there in heaven,
    And God will you please comfort,
    His family for I know there hurting more then me,
    For I lost a freind today,
    But they lost part of there family.




    Submitted on 2006-09-01 13:25:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Also, Down town should be "downtown"... compound word, again, like "outside"... 1 word.

    Sorry this is a true poem, and it all really happened, but that should make you want to correct the errors in your "tribute" and make it worthy to read, an honor to your dead friend, not a damn joke of errors and bad wording.
    | Posted on 2009-08-23 00:00:00 | by therealmojymo | [ Reply to This ]
      peace of papper,

    Since you don't care that you post them like this, and you want help, I hope I help you care. You could be a good writer. I doubt if you were published at this point, cuz editors don't like typo's (unless it's your family publishing you, or yourself)...

    Anyway, you should really go over this. Piece of Paper. It's easy enough. People here won't help you with the real obvious, they figure you must know enough to spell things right, but since that's not quite true in this case, let me try to help. I swear, you'd be so much better if you'd just bother to spell it RIGHT. These are just meat-spatula fingered mistakes.... it's like you're slapping the keyboard drunk-monkey style instead of really working at doing this correctly. Therefore, May I?

    "Freind" should be "FRIEND" .... I before E, except after C (as in RECEIVE.... get it???)

    news I'd "recived" --- again, RECEIVED is the correct spelling.

    It's couldn't have possible been you,

    should be "It ....." and "Possibly", not It's and possible. "It's" is an abbreviated form of "It is..."

    I had knew

    should be, "I knew" or "I had known." "had knew" is not the proper tense of "know".... (know, knew, had known)

    peace of papper, should be "piece of paper". You keep repeatedly misusing the word "Peace" for "piece" in this write... Peace is a special word that shouldn't be confused with Piece. They're nowhere near the same.

    And after I had was done with my work on the computer,

    should be "I was done" or "I had done"... not both simultaneously.

    And went out side to read it,

    outside is a compound word, and becomes 1 word, not 2, when used together.

    As I smoked a cigerett,
    Relizing that I new him,

    Let's just go with both lines, and save time. You smoked a CIGARETTE, REALIZING that you KNEW him.

    It made cry,
    But feel a little happer inside,

    I'm assuming you meant, it made "ME" cry (or maybe you were going to use YOU, cuz you switched from "me" form to "you" in the following lines, shifting the personification of the reader.) Also, it should have made you feel "HAPPIER" inside, not "happer".... I don't know what "happer" is, do you?

    God I lost my friend today,

    Goddamn you actually spelled it RIGHT there, "friend", and then went right back to spelling it wrong throughout the rest of the poem. So much for progress.

    for I know there hurting more then me,
    For I lost a freind today,
    But they lost part of there family.

    "they're" hurting more 'THAN" me.... they're = they + are, get it? Then is a time frame, Than is a comparison.... see the difference?

    FRIEND, again, and then "they lost part of THEIR family".... THEIR shows possession and belonging.

    Is any of this helping????


    | Posted on 2009-08-23 00:00:00 | by therealmojymo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    116556

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry