walking through a graveyard late one night,
gazing upon engraved names that don't register in my mind,
would it even matter if they were unmarked?
without a name, no place in my life; what are these tears for?
crying in dimmed moonlight; in a mortal's favorite hell.
weeping for the lost ones six feet above a listless corpse,
closing my eyes I can almost see them walking again...
in the abundance of nothing, i found everything;
only to discover how little that can mean.
feeling every shattered cry: the dreams that have since faded.
embracing a loss that was never mine to hold onto and;
counting numerous cenotaphs, a fallen draft to death,
do they want another enlistment? and when can I join?
blade raised to my throat as I end this final plea,
looking up for a moment to see your still silhouette there,
dropping my blade to the ground as you fall beside me,
and I collapse in your arms, seeing your blue eyes crying;
all those tears for me reminded me how to feel my own pain,
and as long as you're alive and care, I swear I'll never leave.
an army of 1000 unremembered mistakes, can wait for me in hell;
if I'll end up there anyway, I figure it couldn't hurt to stay,
and when my last breath comes of it's own accord;
will your read this faded eulogy, and keep me in your heart,
and see a twisted shadow whenever you feel lost?
just write my unread epitaph in everlasting faith,
and keep our empty worship in the back of your mind...
what is trust; but an innocent's favored crime?
| A lover's lament, a meditation upon death a real thanatopsis ... complete with your excellent poetic phrasinings (great vocabulary as well) just plain excellent stuff here .... bravo ... bravo ... bravo...||| Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ] || Nice and dark. Yeah I agree the number could be spelled out for aesthetic appeal, btu a good piece, one more piece that would benefit from a re-write, but it is a stand alone piece as it is.||| Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by Nihilist Weasel | [ Reply to This ] || Cenotaph? Wow! That one I definitely had to look up. Though very unusual, an appropriate term, and its rhythm is good. I’m wondering if L4 wouldn’t work better as, “with no place in my life, nameless;...” In L5 “dimmed” is very well used – the effect of tears. The repeat of “me” in L18 really doesn’t work well. Perhaps something along the lines of “Those tears shed for me are guide for feeling my own pain” would work better. I think “1000” should be “a thousand” (a bit of a nit to pick).|
Overall, the feeling is well communicated, and if your description is accurate, and you toned it down a bit, I’m glad. It’s easy to get caught up in emotion excessively, to the detriment of writing. In that respect, this had a nice balance.
|| Posted on 2006-09-17 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] || This was pretty good, it had a lot of meaning into and it does make one think especially at the end there, "What is trust but the innocent's favorite crime?". It is pretty close to a crime to put full trust into somebody, but sometimes we just can't stop ourselves, and also sometimes we have a good reason to trust someone, but rarely does that ever seem to happen.|
|| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ] || This is a good piece. I know what you mean with all the lost souls with no names on their graves, it's awful because it's like no one cares. A lot of wars ended like that, so many white crosses with just numbers on them. It's a shame. I liked your form of writing though, you have a great style, very dark and grey. This piece was about death, but I like how you didn't over do it and make it all about blood and gore. Overall great job :).|
|| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ] || huh, wow; damn; shyt...you wrote this?????? No just playing, this is quite unique(good thing) haven't read anything quite like it. it, takes you all over, and delivers so much meaning; some said, much implied. both dark, and almost translucent. But I'd seperate it, and go over it again, it seems that you had so much at once, that it was overflowing; so maybe you could center it so to speak. right now it's rough/raw, and that's all fine, and even if you clean it up it'll still have that tone, nice Jess; must be lucky "angel"||| Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ] || This is an amazing write. I really enjoyed it. Kepp up the great work and never faulter. You are so much better than you think.||| Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by EseanB | [ Reply to This ] |