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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Raging flamesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bubbles2567
    ASL Info:    15/f/canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 4/5/4
    Words: 38
    Class/Type: Poetry/Trapped
    Total Views: 712
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 271



    Description:
       i wrote this when i was having a fire in my backyard


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRaging flamesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Fire burns vigerously
    Slowly taking power
    Of deep fyrious trees
    Sizzling turns to
    Ashes and dust

    Not sure of what to do
    Fire rages through
    Leaving nothing to stand
    And no sign of hope






    Submitted on 2006-09-02 11:43:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good poem, I like it alot. I probably would consider making it a little longer though. I get the visual you're portraying with the bare trees and surrounding ashes, a very dreaded, empty place. Overall it's very well written, good job :)

    ~Cris
    | Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by my_worst_fear85 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, its short, but with good pictures and motiv. The emotions behind the piece stands strong. I felt like the end, on the second verse, it came a bit abrubt. Thats all. Perhaps if it had rhymed, or you had had a shorter verse of perhaps only two lines afterwards, that it would be better.

    But all in all, a very good poem.
    Write more, enjoy!
    | Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for this submission.

    Criticisms:
    The poem leaves the reader hanging - what happens? Does the character die or is he/she rescued somehow?

    I get the feeling that the them of the poem is one of panic - a deer in the headlights type deal. IF this is correct, then you might want to consider tweeking the language a bit. For example:

    "Not sure of what to do" could be revised to "unable to think, instinct swarms in but helps nothing," or something a little more intense. "Not sure of what to do" is something I feel at the DMV - not when I about to be fried.

    In other words, the language doesn't fit the emotion of the situation.

    Also, punctuation and spelling should be checked (of course I probably shouldn't throw stones)

    Praises:

    Overall, the piece shows potential as a good snapshot for panic - a forest fire raging towards the character and an impending, horrible death.

    If I were you, I'd try this again as it does show the setting quite well.

    Feel free to rip one of mine.

    Art Lives!
    T.J.
    | Posted on 2006-09-02 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]


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