Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Whispers in the raindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ebflannery
    ASL Info:    24/
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 184/184/48
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 145
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1032



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhispers in the raindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Whispers in the rain

    I hear you calling, a voice from the past
    I see you so clearly, in the memories
    dragged up by

    Whispers in the rain

    I remember the hours spent
    In laughter and tears
    Dancing beneath the stars
    While we sang

    Whispers in the rain

    A performance piece put on
    For our entertainment,
    And another precious memory
    Of two idealistic teenagers
    Bonded so completely in friendship

    Whispers in the rain

    And I kissed you,
    In the dark, in the rain
    And we laughed and talked
    And grew closer, then apart
    Stopped speaking, then resumed
    Our friendship like things hadn't changed

    Whispers in the rain

    And I remember
    How important you were to me
    My confidant, support, anchor

    Whispers in the rain

    Remind me how much
    I miss you, my friend




    Submitted on 2006-09-02 23:48:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sincere, even touching. The phrasing is natural, but not succinct, nor does it tickle either the mind or ear: “I see you SO clearly...” “I remember the hours...” instead of “Remembered hours...” or even just “Hours...” These are just a couple of examples of the need to tighten the language. I realize my criticism may provoke anger. After all, the feelings expressed are obviously sincere, and you have an emotional investment in the piece (been there, done that). However, this is a critique site, and I need to be honest: These are good feelings and good thoughts expressed in rather prosaic language. Please keep the thoughts, but make the language sing better. I’d love to see the result.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.