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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Victory in the Sage Placedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: azure_warrior
    ASL Info:    42 /m/ in my mind.
    Elite Ratio:    5.43 - 44/43/32
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 774
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 938



    Description:
       I got sucked in.
    This is the poem I sent to poetry.com scam scam scam. LOL!

    Do you think it has any merit?
    What specifically can I do to improve it?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVictory in the Sage Placedots
    -------------------------------------------


    1969.
    Watching the Apollo rocket on TV.
    The age of space travel surrounds us.

    Up on the attic stairs, I wondered:
    Why all this?

    Downstairs,
    Everyone is transfixed by the sight,
    the almost still object
    on the TV screen
    (in monochrome),
    The Apollo rocket,
    Blazing to the moon.
    Watching it is boring,
    since it seems to be moving SO slowly.
    Although we know,
    It's really going incredibly fast.
    It could even reach the moon!
    And we're here to witness it!

    I sat at the top of the stairs wondering,
    Is this all there is?
    What are the odds, this life
    is more than a tiny
    pinpoint speck,
    in a cavernous, huge universe?
    Thoughts, planets, rockets, time...
    Here I am. Why? Why this?

    I still feel compelled to question.




    Submitted on 2006-09-03 02:16:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      1969.
    Watching the Apollo rocket on TV;
    the age of space travel surrounds us.

    Up on the attic stairs, I wondered:
    Why all this?

    Downstairs,
    Everyone is transfixed (by the) sight,
    the almost still object
    on the TV screen,
    (in monochrome),
    Blazing to the moon.
    Watching it is boring,
    since it (sems to be moving SO slowly).
    (Although) we know,
    It's really going incredibly fast.
    It could (even) reach the moon!
    And we're here to witness it!

    I sat at the top of the stairs wondering,
    Is this all (there) is?
    What are the odds, this life
    (is more than) a tiny
    (pinpoint) speck,
    in a cavernous, huge universe?
    Thoughts, planets, rockets, time...
    Here I am. Why? (Why) this?

    I still feel compelled to question.


    I'm not certain how much revision you'd care to tolerate concerning an original work, but this pieces cries out for a bit of editing and a great deal of tightening. The core thoughts you've gathered are actually quite good, but every post could benefit from at least one rewrite to explore the possibilities that a second draft can provide. I've tried to stay true to the original format and usage of your post as I placed revisions in parentheses above (and deleted several redundant sections in the latter half of the post). Of course you may use or discard these suggestions as you see fit.

    Keep writing, but avoid poetry.com scam. It's a vanity press.
    Take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel like this more and more often lately, we're like a drop of water in a sea of time. I realy got that image of you sitting on the stairs, wondering away.
    I'd say the line 'this is so profound' should be left out, it is indeed profound but I think the effect would be even stronger if you didn't say that.
    For the rest, awesome, I'm glad I read this!
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by -YonY- | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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