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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: But It Looks Pretty Meltingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Liv2LoveThePain
    ASL Info:    19 - F - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.23 - 1527/1515/256
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1015
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 763



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBut It Looks Pretty Meltingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I found my inspiration
    sleeping on the floor.
    Woke it up and told it
    I don't love it anymore,
    but I do.

    The walls of death surround us,
    (In love. In song. Obsessed.)
    summoning the memories,
    hidden and suppressed,
    'til they scream.

    This tomb is made of wax
    and there's nowhere to run.
    Inspiration loves the birth
    of every morning's sun,
    but I don't.

    Outside, the day begins.
    These walls drip into death,
    covering my skin (like paint)
    until there's nothing left.




    Submitted on 2006-09-03 10:56:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Excellent imagery throughout the entirety of this piece, and it was awesome! I loved the whole 'melting' thing, it really drew you in. Another brilliant write, but what else could one expect ;)

    ~Mandi Gayle~
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      You're work is so [censored]in' passionate! This is yet another write, that completely romanticizes me! It's fan[censored]tastic! I'm not even playing, it 's just wrong; that I get more pleasure from your writes than ANYTHING else in my life! I mean you're that damn good yes; but still, you know! This was nearly [censored]in perfect, can't see it better, and if I did I'd probabily keel over!
    | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this it is interesting and it gets the mind to twist itself to think of a way to interperet it and its really mysterious. i like it nice work and the words you have used are really good and suit this peice well :)

    xx
    Chanyn
    | Posted on 2006-10-18 00:00:00 | by Shark06 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a most interesting write. It flows so well and the rhyme is really well done too. I like the italics here, it is very effective and supports a kind of argument, or difference of opinion, within yourself and your muse which I like. I dont think you need the parenthesis in this write, it seems to flow better without them, but that is your call. This is very nicely done, well worded and expressed and the imagery you have created it great. Nice work.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-15 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Everything about this was good starting with the title. after i read the poem the title made more sense and it made me think about bad, sad, or dark things that look pretty depite the fact that it isnt somethin that would be considered pleasent. the whole poem was etremely well written and you blew me away with every insightful metaphor and line.

    "I found my inspiration
    sleeping on the floor.
    Woke it up and told it
    I don't love it anymore,
    but I do."

    im not sure why but i think thAT was my favorite part.

    "Inspiration loves the birth
    of every morning's sun,
    but I don't."

    Me neither.

    Your so talented.



    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      I read that the title is what attracted them; and I agree. The only thing about this which confused me a little was why you put certain things in brackets. Was it to inform the reader but not have it read out loud?
    The second stanza read differently from the rest, and that distracted me slightly.
    You chose the words well, and I really enjoyed reading this,



    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this. The title caught my eye and then the rest of the piece just kind of drew me in. I like the italicize...(Sp?) It worked here, it kinda gave an "afterthought" after each stanza. Kind of an afterthought of contradiction. It gave the piece a rhythm that worked.

    BCute<3
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there, Nikki. How's things? Thought I'd drop in and see some more of your stuff while I was busy not sleeping. I like the sing-song rhythm you use in the first four lines of each stanza here. It makes the fifth lines in st. one through four effectively discordant (at least in my opinion). It's a good device, having the last line of a stanza contradict the lines that precede it in both form and content; and you execute it well here.
    I'm a little fuzzy on the meaning (but then, I went out gambling and drinking with friends after work tonight, so I'm a little fuzzy on almost everything). I interpret the first stanza to be about someone the speaker has a romantic relationship with. This relationship is difficult for the speaker to be in (st.2) because of something terrible that happened in her (their?) past. To the loved one (st.3), referred to again as 'inspiration,' the past is less of a burden, and he(she) finds it easier to get on with life than the speaker, who (st.4) feels trapped and eventually consumed by it. Of course, I could also see it being completely opposite, with 'inspiration' being the one who is overburdened by something- trapping the speaker with him (or her). I also had a third possible interpretation going when I started typing here, but it's gone now (nyuk, nyuk- I need another drink). Or, I could just be completely off-base in a game of tennis, driving backwards in the fog, shooting rubber bands at comets (you know, that sort of thing).
    As for possible ways to improve the piece: you might look at using something synonymous for death rather than repeating the word (loss, nothing, Hell, maybe the name of some death goddess from ancient or classical mythology, or maybe even some other word or idea entirely). After all, you're repeating the word 'inspiration' already (and I think you need to repeat that word), and you probably want to keep repetition to a minimum in so short a poem. Then again, Dostoyevsky uses the word 'want' eighteen times in one paragraph ("Notes From Underground" Ch.7) and even multiple times in the same sentence, insisting that sometimes only a certain word will do and that it's just a weak attempt at sophistication when you vary your vocabulary arbitrarily.
    So, you know... umm... do what you want.
    I would take out those parentheses in lines 7 and 18, though. I thought about it for a bit, but I just don't understand why they're there.

    Poeta nascitur, non fit
    -Chris
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this too. I was also drawn by the title. I like the surreaity of this. I don't think "like paint" works as a parenthetical though. I'm also unsure of using inspiration twice; I think it might work better to eliminate the first occurence:

    I found my muse
    sleeping on the floor.
    Woke him (or her) up and told him
    I don't love him anymore,
    but I do.

    I actually think that works better with the personification, but that's merely my opinion.

    This is my favorite among your works I've read,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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