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    dots Submission Name: I WANT TO HURT YOUdots

    Author: bigrig0625
    ASL Info:    34 M Tx
    Elite Ratio:    2.96 - 40/73/19
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 852
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 832


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI WANT TO HURT YOUdots

    I want to hurt you for hurting me
    I want you to feel my pain
    I want you to suffer for doing this
    It's all I've left to gain

    I want to hurt you for making me angry
    I want you to feel my shake
    I want you to know my sorrow
    My pride wasn't yours to take

    I want to hurt you for making me sad
    I want you to see the truth
    I want you to learn a lesson
    That you should've learned in youth

    I want to hurt you for wrenching my heart
    I want you to run and hide
    I want you to scream for mercy
    I want you to see my side

    I want to hurt you for hurting me
    Though I don't want you to die
    I just want you to see
    How hard you made me cry

    Submitted on 2006-09-03 15:26:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Oh, and I'M the one who's angry? Hahahahahaha, lmao
    | Posted on 2006-09-16 00:00:00 | by Aurora-Borealis | [ Reply to This ]
      I feel your pain, I related to it very well, I read it out loud and the flow seemed pretty good to me, but then I like rhyming poetry :)
    Keep Writing, Dean
    | Posted on 2006-09-12 00:00:00 | by Survivor_Dean | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah, this seems pretty typical and I can't really find anything particularly special, unique, or interesting about it. Work on it.
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by Aurora-Borealis | [ Reply to This ]
      i think tjsmith is right in that the rhyming scheme you chose has restricted your flow. perhaps more than 4 lines per stanza? maybe 6?
    i think a syllable count may help this out.
    hey, i dunno, but i like what you are saying. that comes across perfectly clear. we have all been there i think.
    | Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Criticisms: Rhyming in this case handcuffs the poem. This could be so much more. If you didn't rhyme, you could certainly spice up the language - which communicates alot to a reader. So by that token, do try this idea again and give us some specifics as to what this person did to cause such rage? The idea is common, but when you write about a common idea, try and give it to the reader in a different way.

    Praises: The poem is honest and is reflective of a person who is moving through the stages of coping with a dissapoinment/breakup/betrayal. This piece did take some thought and proves potential. You stated your emotion and you stated the extent to which you felt it.

    In poetry, it is usually better to show and not tell. Explain to us what the person did, why does that hurt you so badly, how you would torture them, what they would need to do to make you feel better, etc., And if you don't mind trying - don't rhyme. You'll feel much more freedom.

    It is good to meet you

    Art Lives!

    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      clear, concise...very nice, if maybe a bit angsty, but then again i've felt that way before...whirl would be right in saying we've all felt that at least once....
    not to much criticism....just work on the flow and try to find your own originality, ok?
    i really do like the idea tho, and hope to read more
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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