I feel your pain, I related to it very well, I read it out loud and the flow seemed pretty good to me, but then I like rhyming poetry :) Keep Writing, Dean
i think tjsmith is right in that the rhyming scheme you chose has restricted your flow. perhaps more than 4 lines per stanza? maybe 6? i think a syllable count may help this out. hey, i dunno, but i like what you are saying. that comes across perfectly clear. we have all been there i think. whirl**
Criticisms: Rhyming in this case handcuffs the poem. This could be so much more. If you didn't rhyme, you could certainly spice up the language - which communicates alot to a reader. So by that token, do try this idea again and give us some specifics as to what this person did to cause such rage? The idea is common, but when you write about a common idea, try and give it to the reader in a different way.
Praises: The poem is honest and is reflective of a person who is moving through the stages of coping with a dissapoinment/breakup/betrayal. This piece did take some thought and proves potential. You stated your emotion and you stated the extent to which you felt it.
In poetry, it is usually better to show and not tell. Explain to us what the person did, why does that hurt you so badly, how you would torture them, what they would need to do to make you feel better, etc., And if you don't mind trying - don't rhyme. You'll feel much more freedom.
clear, concise...very nice, if maybe a bit angsty, but then again i've felt that way before...whirl would be right in saying we've all felt that at least once.... not to much criticism....just work on the flow and try to find your own originality, ok? i really do like the idea tho, and hope to read more
Submission Name: I WANT TO HURT YOU
