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    dots Submission Name: only thisdots

    Author: shootingstar
    ASL Info:    22/f/hell
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 102/120/21
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1993
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 599

       i am so sick of being fucked over. but i don't get mad, i get depressed. this poem is just ...well..yeah.

    it sucks so be brutal! i guess it kinda tells a lot/ too much about me.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsonly thisdots

    Save me from myself.
    Crying out in silence
    Why won't the words escape?

    Trembling lips hold secrets,
    That poison,

    Take me,(Away).
    Show me,
    Humans aren't (all) cold.
    And I will,
    Sacrifice my (sur)reality.

    Hold out your hands,
    And recieve,
    My broken pieces.

    I'd give the world,
    For a smile,
    or the truth.

    Teach me how to love again.

    Submitted on 2004-05-21 11:35:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      seems i have offended you i have read alot of your poems on this site .i have also posted alot and deleted mosts just because of who i am , no points i really dont care
    what do you think i will do with all my points at my age , anyways i do like your writing the story lines ae very interesting usually about life and alot of dark feelings some go,some bad alwaz put together nicely with good imagery, i have passed the rhyme stage long ago i like reading more of a non rhyming poem with alot of thought put in too bad you did not read crazy a picture of someone years ago. i am not a poet or a critique i hid writing for 41 years so who am i to critisise or bring down anybody . i alwaz try to say it was great or good and sometimes no comment if you need points take mine i can write 20 poems a day and neve post
    no bad intent given
    thanx sandman
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm broken hearted? or have you given up on everything? this feeling I get when it happens.... it locks me in this cell.... cant ever forget that... thanks for replying on the forum... I'm reading your submissions as you said
    | Posted on 2004-05-24 00:00:00 | by BloodChildVagueSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      the problem with love is that it can never really be taught. even if someone tried, the only way to learn from love is to be hurt by it. it's a self destructive paradox simply because we need it.

    don't be so quick to wish. when you say
    'Hold out your hands,
    And recieve,
    My broken pieces.

    I'd give the world,
    For a smile,
    or the truth.'
    that breaks me. one day you will realize that picking up your own pieces is the best fulfillment of all. and self truth is the ONLY truth. i could be all philosophical and explain it in terms of the egotistical predicament (all truth is subjective because it is formed based on opinon)(oh lookie, i did) but i like to think there's a deeper soul reason. if you're not gonna live for something you believe in, there's really no point to life at all.

    so find your point. and stick with it. seventeen is awesome. and it only gets better.
    | Posted on 2004-05-24 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this twice before I saw the last line. I really felt completion after the line above it.
    The last two stanzas I felt were stronger than the begining. The stanza with the (), I'm not sure if they help or hurt. It isn't that they aren't good, but it is a sudden, radical departure from the style of the rest of the piece. Here is an alternate for the second stanza. I like the addition, let me know what you think:

    Trembling lips hold secrets,
    hold lies,
    hold poison,
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Stanzas 2, 4, and 5 are excellent!!!
    stanza 1-"save me from myself"-maybe rephrase because it's said too much. Other than that I like the 1st stanza. At first I didn't like the "take me (away)" but it has grown on me the more I read it. I think it works well, the stanza is good. I like the ()
    I don't think you need the last line. If so maybe you could rephrase. Very nice work!!!
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      teach me how to love again.... that rings in my head like something ill never forget. i almost feel like giving yoyu a written hug. what the hell...HUG. LOVE HURTS. at least youre willing to embrace love. i for one envy you. broken and still willing to put your trust in another person.
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by medusa | [ Reply to This ]
      I've felt that way before and it is tough. Sometime those things take time. I prayed to God about that and in time I was able to love again. As to the poem itself I think it is rather well written, it shows your struggle and it seems to be very honest.
    | Posted on 2004-05-21 00:00:00 | by PaulLuvsGod | [ Reply to This ]

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