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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hometown Boy (Revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 894
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1006



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHometown Boy (Revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    There’s a guy in our town who showers regularly
    under waterhoses in back of some local restaurants.
    His lunch is half-eaten sandwiches
    and hardened fries found in crumpled paper bags.
    Some days he gets a Kool-Aid soaked cookie
    with one or two bites gone, but he’s never minded sharing.

    He dined with the mayor just last week
    on leftover sea bass and her last two bites of tiramisu.
    He thinks a lucky omen is to spot half a birthday cake
    still in its box, next to a plastic champagne glass;
    happy birthday lady, he prays before partaking,
    and afterward wipes his mouth with the lipstick smear
    of a black and white over-the-hill cocktail napkin.

    At the end of our shift, we waitresses at the country club
    drink a toast to our hometown boy
    from a half-full bottle of Dom Perignon –
    courtesy of the mayor’s son and his new wife,
    just married.






    Submitted on 2006-09-04 09:11:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, I did look at the original, though I didn’t post comments on it. I did see where another viewer suggested you tighten the verbiage by, among other ideas, eliminating “There’s”. This seemed sensible, but your decision to leave it in suggests you’re not attempting sparseness. Apparently you’re trying to achieve a folksy, casual story-telling voice. Do I understand correctly? If I do, then you’ve come pretty close to your intention. The piece is rich with adjectives, and your word choices are unique and fairly complex. The irony is obvious. I do wonder: In S2L2, “...her last two...” Whose last two bites; why the feminine?
    The last line might work better as “courtesy of the mayor’s son and his new wife.”
    I’d like to hear from you as to your intentions with this piece.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Not sure what to tell you. You've done a good job so far (I can see this guy pretty clearly, though I'd like some physical details about him). This still feels unfionished, however. Keep going - you've got a lot more story to tell here.

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this a lot, Annie, especially the bit that says .-"He's never minded sharing---".To me it gives us a tiny glimpse of his personality and outlook,--in the face of his poverty a shaft of wry humor and a willingness to oblige those who help him out, knowingly or otherwise.

    Showing the waitresses's compassion in setting aside some of the choice leftovers was a nice touch and again sheds a little light on this man---if he was a sinister ,menacing sort they would not help out, so I perceive that there is something about him that appeals to them. He brings to mind a certain man I knew a few years ago when I ran a lodge, ---and in similar fashion "we waitresses" set aside leftovers regularly from catered events for our own "Hometown Boy".

    The simplicity of diction and colloquial tone of your words reinforce the neighbourly , "folks helping folks" message of your story, and I liked that you left his personal history a blank. We don't need to need to know why, when or how he arrived at this condition to feel the caring and the poignant reciprocal nature of his daily foraging.Everyone seems to play their part and there is nothing judgemental, disparaging ,patronizing or apologetic here, whic was refreshing.

    Nice job here
    Silver
    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      There’s a guy in our town who showers regularly
    under the waterhoses in back of some local restaurants.
    He makes his lunch from half-eaten sandwiches
    and hardened fries found in the bottoms of crumpled paper bags.
    Some days he gets a Kool-Aid soaked cookie
    with one or two bites gone, but he’s never minded sharing.

    He dined with the mayor just last week
    on leftover sea bass and the last two bites of her tiramisu.
    He thinks a lucky omen is to spot half a birthday cake
    still in its box, next to a plastic champagne glass;
    happy birthday lady, he prays before partaking,
    and afterward wipes his mouth with the lipstick smear
    of a black and white over-the-hill cocktail napkin.

    At the end of our shift, we waitresses at the country club
    drink a toast our hometown boy
    from a half-empty bottle of Dom Perignon –
    courtesy of the mayor’s son and his new wife,
    just married.


    So, the close of the post is a sort of recycled champaigne salute to a man who's taken the fine art of dumpster diving to a higher level? Hmmm...

    This vignette is more compact and direct than the first, but it also seems a bit less emotional (possibly because the man in question asks no pity and the post spares him none).

    Interesting town, btw.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the affinity here between the waitresses and the homeboy, not just in the giving of the toast, but at some level suggested with their half-empty bottle of Dom Perignon and he with his cake and champagne glass. It seems to me we all live off each other to some degree. At some point we are all scavengers. Perhaps that is to harsh a word, maybe it’s just an extension of “no man is an island” or “no man lives unto himself.” I would think this would be a valid point to make with the piece and would be a truth worth hearing.

    Please look at the lines "He thinks a lucky omen is to spot half a birthday cake still in its box..." the grammar here seems backwards. "He thinks it a lucky omen... perhaps

    I think over all the edit is an improvement, but it seems a bit light in the last stanza as though it doesn’t quite close out, but I really don’t have any suggestion in this regard.

    I agree with Silverdog "I liked that you left his personal history a blank. We don't need to need to know why, when or how he arrived at this condition."

    Again, I don't know what other's experience is like, but I have a poem I've been working on for six months and it is still not what I feel it needs to be, so maybe I work things to death, I don't know???

    Best regards. -crutch
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Crutch | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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