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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bitter/Sweetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lisa Milligan
    ASL Info:    48/F/VA
    Elite Ratio:    3.71 - 38/47/21
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 760
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1032



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBitter/Sweetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    ct1.pbase.com



    You're leaving me soon to go to college
    You're ready

    You're going out into a world full of people, some you can trust & some you can't
    You're an excellent judge of character

    You will live in another place with no one around to take care of you
    You are capable of taking care of yourself

    You will encounter people who want you to do the wrong things for fun
    You know the difference between right and wrong

    You will graduate, get a job, buy a home and not live with me anymore
    You know how to live your own life

    You're going out into life on your own and will be faced with challenges
    You turn to Jesus when challenged

    You want to move on to the next stage of life
    I wish you could have stayed 10 years old forever

    You're going to walk out my door
    I taught you how to walk





    Submitted on 2006-09-04 19:00:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This pretty much says: You are leaving now and I raised you well, but I will miss you presents.
    That said I really cannot see why you needed 16 lines to do this.

    I do like many of you other writings as you have the ability to put together a really great and involving story. But this one just goes on and on, and seems to be one of them poems you would give your son as a gift when he is going away, but to readers outside a narrow forum (the family) it really has no greater impact. It does not really say anything. My suggestions is if you wish to work with this piece is to try to build some kind of narrative, that speak to other then you and your son. Something that people can relate to in a broader sense. The motif could be the anticipation of missing, as a nice twist to the overused longing poem.

    All best,
    -tZar
    | Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by tZar | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok Lisa this was great!! :) I really want to tell you I loved the content and I know this is what my mother is feeling currently since I started College this week.
    You have this strong personality...you are wise, you have mentally let your son go.
    It's not exactly my type of poem when it comes to rhythm...it's a bit too conversational. In poetry, the point of it is to not have to spell it all out for the reader.
    The point is, to make the reader think...If your poem is not challenging, no one will take the challenge. But that is advice you can ignore unless you are trying to better your style. Everyone is different.

    All in all it was good.

    ~Alesha
    | Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by Indi Elf | [ Reply to This ]
      Not trying to pick a fight, but ... Poetry can be used to make a reader think, but it can be used for many other purposes. Your piece is spelled out and it does not require us to think, but I believe it causes the reader (speaking for myself mind you) to feel. Feel the anticipated lonliness but also the confidence associated with a child who leaves for college. I can identify with this very much as I have seen 4 of my 5 children leave home to start there lives on their own. It is a blessing and a curse.

    as Alesha said the content is good. My only suggestion would be the last two lines. They seem to take us back to where we started. I don't think that's bad, in fact I think it works nicely. Anyway....how about adding to that aspcect of the last two lines with the ephasis of closing the poem. I think poems need an ending.

    You are walking out my door
    I taught you how to walk.

    putting it in the present tense instead of the future. Just a thought and encouragement. hope it helps in some way. -crutch
    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by Crutch | [ Reply to This ]


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