Description: deciding to see the battle of thermopylae from a soldiers point of view. it was one of the persians few sucesses in the persian wasrs, if you were anaware. it was a few hundred Spartans against thousands of persian cavalry and infantrymen.
it was a heroic stand. not as interesting as marathon or platea, which i might still do.
I stand in my squad,
Our phalanx trembling
In anticipation.
We have fought many battles.
My family’s blood has been spilled
Over many fields, many years.
I know that our chances are slim
And so do the other men.
Our general lifts our sprits
Ridiculing our enemy
And speaks of them routing.
The horizon is dotted now
With thousands of enemies.
I know my death approaches.
I pray that my land stays safe,
My home in Sparta will stand strong
As I defend this cursed pass of
Thermopylae.
when i saw the title "Thermopylae" i thought "no way!" i was really suprised i hadn't commented on this piece before. I find this particular battle very intresting and i was actually reading Herodotus (the first of the great Greek historians) who wrote about the battle not long after it happened. I have a unfinished piece about this subject as well and it was in a simular mindset as you have done here.
I'd like more detail for i think you could make this piece have a lot more power in your words, and what your subject feels.
Thermopylae has always fasinated me. The Persians had brought an army larger than any the greeks had ever seen, with the intention of completely crushing them into submission. And yet here is a small greek army, numbering hundreds, makeing a stand in a pass against what i believe was more than several hundred thousand. And yet they stopped and destroyed anything the persians threw at them.
ok well, on specifics:
You mention the character's family having a history of past bloodshed. I'd say emphasize that more. Spartan culture revovled around war and Spartans spent thier entire lives from the age of eight mainly training for it.
I assume the general you use here is the spartan king Leonidas. I suggest going into that more as well because, like you hint at in this poem, he was the main leader who convinced the Greeks to stand and fight here. and in the end he died with the other three hundred spartans who fought to the death.
and the last bit i'd elaborate on too. Not only were they defending sparta, but all of greece as well. I think thier homes were definately in thier minds as they faced certain death. I think you did a good job mentioning this, but personally, i think you could convey the desperation of this battle better with more detail.
This is your poem, and I don't think it's my place to tell you, that you should do anything about it really. I'm just suggesting things. What i think is something you could fit into this is the strong bond the spartan soldiers had with eachother. I mean the Phalanx alone demands that they trust eachother greatly. Standing interlocked like a wall holding the furious ocean back.
Though this isn't really consistant with your theme in this piece, and i don't think you should add it, the brutality of the fighting is rather amazing. The persians were horrified to see how the superior spartan warriors easily slaughtered mass numbers of thier men with few causualties to themselves. The carnage was unbelieveable and at the very end when most of thier spears shattered and many swords broken, some spartans supposedly even fought with thier hands and teeth.
sorry, i don't mean to letchure you and you likely know most if not all of what i've said here. I'm just really a dork when it comes to this stuff and get a little overly enthusasitc about going into it. And i think it's really cool that you wrote a poem on this subject. It's not just a war story. Like the other battles you mention, it's about people laying everything on the line in desperation to perserve thier freedoms, homes and way of life against unbelievable odds.
I love the idea behind this piece. Poetry from original points of view are always so refreshing. I do think more emotion could be added to it; it reads like someone narrating the story after the fact, without any heat or feeling of the moment. I certainly think this has a lot of potential, just a little tone shift to something more dramatic would make it into something really really fantastic.
to be honest, i do not like your poem as a poem its self. it is way too simple and it just states. the narrator you have chosen is a very interesting person but i imagined a soldier at thermopylae to think quite differently. i couldnt hear a war echo in your poem, it didnt take me to thermopylae, i wasn't there by your soldier's side, agreeing with him and agonising with him..
My first impression is that you are the type of person who enjoys war stories- your name being eowyn and the subject of the poem being what it is. Nevertheless, the poem is quite good and you did an excellent job of capturing the atmosphere of the anticipation of a battle (not that i would know anything about that, but still).
So you want first impressions, eh? Well, I have a few, as always! First off, I will stert with some criticism. Then I can get to what I liked, and depart with a sweeter goodbye.
Show, not tell. One of the hardest things a poet can ever do is to show the reader, not tell them. That is why I do image writing--it is way too hard to do poetry that actually means something, with a story or a plot. What you need to do here is add ALOT more descriptive adjectives, and images to really pull the reader in. Maybe then, follow it with a sequel, or a second, very short stanza. Spice it up a little--make it have character in every aspect. Give it interesting structure. Interesting words. An interesting mood, etc. I did not feel that you really had any emotions concerning this subjec when I read it, contrary to your explanation up at the top. I felt that you were simply stating how the soldier felt.
On that note, I do like the perspective that you use. A single soldier, feeling insignificant, yet with a life of his own. if you just play up this perspective more dramatically, the poem will have OODLES more depth to it!
Submission Name: Thermopylae
First off, I will stert with some criticism. Then I can get to what I liked, and depart with a sweeter goodbye.