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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Night Shadesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 190
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 724
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1224



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNight Shadesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The moon sends shades of silver
    down as slivers white, more barren
    Is their cry now that the fields
    lie tarnished, in an ever-silvered night.
    pin pricks pierce the descending void
    reflections of sparks from a she serpents scales;
    as she wends her way through a tormented sky.

    Broken-tumbled, still with dreams eerie glow,
    I wake to walk the parapet.
    A tune filters in from below
    so faint and how like sorrow the plaintive
    notes lie strewn about
    glowing flower petals, bleeding of timeless
    evermore-the-darkened-hour.

    I waft away in sighs blown to and fro
    by draw of wistful bow.
    Traveling across a tumult river,
    still I am flying low.
    I turn to kiss the Nixie Queen
    strolling by my side.
    But she dives into the streaming music

    I watch as the ripples subside;
    and contemplate the damsel
    who haunts with shimmering life
    She who seeks to return me to the light.
    But though with her the moon is brighter, still
    I cannot hope to resist the chill of ever darker still.
    So very still.






    Submitted on 2006-09-04 20:11:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      glowing flower petals, bleeding of timeless
    evermore-the-darkened-hour.

    I contemplate the damsel
    who haunts with shimmering life
    She who seeks to return me to the light.
    But though with her the moon is brighter, still
    I cannot hope to resist the chill of ever darker still.
    So very still.


    those were my favoritestestest parts of this one! (bear with my estestestesessss in most of my words please) the first two lines here ^ really stuck out for some reason, just left a really good image in my mind, which is one of my favorite things when reading poetry (not necessarily the message, but the picture that it paints...i love imagery because it can trigger so much to different people, and everyone will see something different in it)

    The last stanza is so beautiful...in a way that i can't quite name, so here's my attempt at that: it gives me a feeling of lonely defiance almost...like...the speaker simply wants to do anything that is not the right thing, but that might be the right thing anyway because it doesn't matter...although the "right thing" isn't really specifically named, and isn't necessarily an enormous troubling issue....

    To me, this is [a mind's] inner conflict...of any kind really, but with a darkened overview...i love how you've taken it and made it different, because not once have you come right out and said "my mind struggles" or something to that effect
    | Posted on 2006-12-09 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm... your poem is quite akward indeed... but it is good... it had some very good imagery like
    "The moon sends shades of silver
    down as slivers white, more barren
    Is their cry now that the fields
    lie tarnished, in an ever-silvered night."
    that and the rest of the first stanza are my favorite part of the poem. it was interesting and didn't seem to be constant with what it was saying, or maybe i tripped over certain parts and just didn't know it... however, good poem. it was indeed enjoyable.
    | Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by Old | [ Reply to This ]
      When I started to read it I realized with in the first stanza that I would not be able to get the full benefit of the poem by reading it in my head. Honestly reading it out load was amazing!
    The first stanza has excellent alliteration. “ the moon sends shades of silver down as the silver white more barren is their cry…” The bold “s” that I have highlighted really sticks out while you read it out load. Now but stacking up the S sound in the beginning it brings out the other s’s in the sentences…those I marked with italics. That theme continues through the whole stanza. It doesn’t matter if you created this alliteration on purpose or if it just happened naturally. The only thing that matters is that it works. Words shouldn’t only be read but they should also be felt. They should carry the piece just as notes would carry an instrument. Another amazing technique that I don’t see very often, especially in modern poetry is how you worded your sentences. This is clearly shown in your second stanza. “Broken-tumbled still with dreams eerie glow, I wake to walk to parapet.” You could have just simply wrote, “I walked to wall, in a broken dream…” But takes away from the whole meaning that you created by switching around the normal structure of the sentence. GREAT USE OF LANGUAE! Parapet! AMAZING! It gives the sentence felling...and it also gives it a rhythm. It has three strong contractions, where the word, wall only holds one. The only part that I have think could be a little different is the end of stanza three and all of stanza four. I think that the affect would be greater if you connected the last line of stanza three with the first line of stanza four. It would make it one complete thought and keep the poem flowing…
    “I turn to kiss the Nixie Queen
    Strolling by my side.
    But she dives into the streaming music
    I watch as the ripples subside.”
    I would then cut out the next two lines, because in my opinion, and remember this is my opinion; it takes away from the wonderful ending. “I cannot hope to resist the chill of ever darker still. So very still.” By using the word “still” in the fourth stanza it takes away the power of the repetition used in the last stanza. I hope I have not confuse you. I enjoyed the poem very much, and with your permission will probably keep it in my files of examples of how poetry can be created. Only with your permission though. Once again, I loved it.
    -Kishkuman
    | Posted on 2006-09-04 00:00:00 | by Kishkuman | [ Reply to This ]


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