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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Within Time...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/378
    Words: 265
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 559
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1512



    Description:
       uhhh having so many emotions so many thoughts I just can't get them out the way i feel them...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWithin Time...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have lied here silent for too long…
    I can only stay quiet for so long
    And the clock is ticking...
    Time is running out to keep this silence
    You have took for granted all your life..
    Its time for me to get out….to go
    To leave this bubble you have so carefully placed me within…
    This bubble accustomed to my surroundings..
    This ... this thing was put off for too long
    For the damage has been done…
    Damage control cannot go near and far as I'd need to…
    Time can only heal things now…
    And time is what I need…
    Time is what people need to give me...
    I need to accept what has came my way
    I need to obtain the knowledge needed... to fully understand, that life has its up and downs..
    And last but not least
    I need to start identifing the reasons to why she put me in this situation
    Why I was used...
    Not only by a Father Figure
    A Uncle…
    But also my Mother... The person who gave birth to me..
    I feel as if I am an illegal immigrant in this house I live in...
    Yet I have done nothing wrong...
    I feel as if I am a complete stranger to these people…
    I have to come to terms with that My mother… sacrificed me... for others to acknowledge her
    And her pain…
    For others to feel pity for her…
    She put my feelings in her hands…
    And she took advantage of me…
    But I should have grown use to this aye?




    Submitted on 2006-09-05 02:54:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I understand what you are saying and I really think this could be a great poem with a little more work, I really think you could re-write it and not lose anything, I usually go through mine 8-10 times before I am satisfied that they can be posted, I have been reading your works for quite a while now and you have some powerful emotions in them and I like that thats why I read everything you post, the potential is there, keep writing, I'm not trying to be mean or anything.

    Your Friend, Dean
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Survivor_Dean | [ Reply to This ]
      I hope I'm not comin off as a know-it-all,its just a suggestion as to what you said in the desciption above the script.. You said you find it hard to get your feelings out the way you feel them.... maybe you could try out something new?

    Edit it... If you feel that your words dont make sense,even to you,chances are it wont make sense to others either... Try editing the script,write it down,play with the words,swop the lines,elaborate on some words,and rewrite it again,untill you think it makes sense to you.
    It works for me,might not work for you but maybe you can try it out anyway? I often find myself with a dictionary at times lookin up words to better describe something,you'll be amazed with what you come across...!


    Pix
    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by pixie_007 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow ... VAST IMPOVEMENT. I love it ... there are 2 spots that got me this time, but it flowed ... smoothly and beautifuly

    "And last but nto least" -- Not

    "I have to come to terms with that My mother… sacrificed me... for others to acknowledge her" -- Try this ...
    "I have to come to terms with the fact ( or truth / reality) that My mother… sacrificed me... for others to acknowledge her" -- In my corrections though, remember syllables ... read it several times to make sure it works well.

    GREAT JOB!!
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Indaleco | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece ... isnt bad per say ... but i also wouldn't coin it excellent. I understand that poetry is a way of expression, but its art and art is fine. Even for it to make sense to yourself you must be able to make sense out of it ... very concrete I know ... but sometimes people just ramble and that is what it seems you did.

    When you write poetry, paint a picture using words so people can SYMPATHISE and FEEL what you feel. Push your emotions on to them. Bring across strong powerful statements that put them in your shoes ... the First Person poetry does this very well. Lastly, use situations almost anyone can relate with, but amplify their meaning.

    I have to agree with Pix, but instead of a dictonary, use a thesaurus. If you prefer not to 'cheat' as some people would consider it ... make sure it flows. Flowing doesn't have to rhyme ... it just has to flow. Flowing is half of what makes poetry art, the understanding it and feeling it is the other half.

    I can understand your poem here, because I've been there but I doubt few will. Also, its choppy, I stumble over alot of the lines. But improvement and critiques are what makes us better.
    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by Indaleco | [ Reply to This ]


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