RSVP by tjsmith5

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Submission Name: RSVP dots

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Author:	tjsmith5
ASL Info:	28/m/MS
Elite Ratio:	6.62 - 105/153/79
Words:	149

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	197
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	877

Description:

RSVP

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Dear Jessica,

I got the invitation to your wedding in April
and I’d like to say
I’m happy for you
but that would be lying.

Truth is, I’m pretty broken up about the whole thing, especially since you said I could have had you but that I was with Brandy
and you needed to move on.

And even though staying with her
was an honest mistake,
I still pay for those just the same
as I’m left with only the hurt of wondering.

Meanwhile, I speed towards age 30 driving solo
with nothing but my fear of rejection,
battling my fear of loneliness
and gallons of testosterone.

Thanks for the invitation
but I’ve got poker with the guys.
Tell that lucky bastard I said “hi,”
and I’ll be sure to mail a present.

Submitted on 2006-09-05 12:06:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Well, just how original can you get? I'm not going to give you any platitudes about life-goes-on, etc., etc. I'm just going to address the poem.

I don't think I've ever seen an rsvp made into a poem, but, hey, why not? This was so unique, kudos.

Two things - the first line of the second stanza is way, way too long and could easily be broken in two. This would improve not only the look of the poem, but its flow as well.

Next, these lines: but my fear of rejection,
battling my fear of loneliness

"fear" used twice so close together is uncomfortable. It's not done in the style of a series, so I'm thinking you should change it. You could either leave the 'fear' part and changing 'battling' (to maybe 'together with' or something like that, a connection of some sort) or you could just leave off the second 'my fear of', which I suspect would be more accurate anyway. You're battling loneliness itself rather than the fear of loneliness.

Anyway, other than those two things, I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing. mae
| Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  Jeez, did this really happen?? Kinda nasty sending you the invitation in the first place, thats a slap in the chops, isn't it?
i like how you openly admit the hurt feelings, most guys i think would shrug it off, and cry their eyes out in private. as hurtful as it is, these things do happen. but don't you worry, in time, you'll see it's worked out for the best when you meet the girl you dream of.
i would love to pick a favourite part. but there are a few lines here that i like, and the last verse rounds it off nicely.
thanx for pointing this one out. sorry i missed it.
really good,
whirl**
| Posted on 2006-09-22 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay...this was weird...but for a small second I thought you were writing to me...since that is also my name. It was werid, but gave me a cool personal view on it. I've been in a similar situation, so I can totally see something like this happening in my life, to which side I'm not sure. My favourite line had to be "tell the lucky [censored] i said hi"...it just struck a good note for me...that's all... And then the line about the presant felt like a living after thought...This was great man...a good add to my favs...thanks
| Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
  Don't you hate lost chances? They sting on you and your stuck looking at all the yesterdays. Honest mistakes still have prices, for nothing is ever truly free. Someone, maybe not you, but someone is left with the debt. Now it's your turn. Move on, and find other things to regret. There's so many, and with them comes short bursts of happiness, so find them and live day to day.
I liked this poem. Very original and true. I liked all the phrases. You broke verse once, but it made it more realistic, so I see nothing wrong with that.
Doesn't it suck that poems only ever seem to be good when things go wrong and your stuck in the middle of it?
| Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by Red_reaper | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow,

This kind of news must had been some kind of blow in the face. Imagine that you could be with this person at a time but that you couldn't because you were with someone else and realizing that was a mistake must really make you feel a lot of regret. I can only imagine what your pain must had been like. I'm sure it was hard. And now you are going to hurt her by not attending her wedding because she didn't wait for you and decided to move on. It must suck both ways.

I think you've spoken a real life event without any makeup. You just told it as it is and what most people would do when they get that kind of news especially when they have some kind of history together. Everything was just there, it's hard to say you've written anything wrong because you haven't and you've said the best most realistic line ever, "Tell that lucky [censored] i said hi". Couldn't get more real.
Anyhow, this was nice.
Take care....
~Irina
| Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
  Since you read one of mine I felt that I should take a look at your writing. I am intrigued by this first poem. I felt that the emotion was very raw. (Which in my opinion is a good thing.) It is good because you didn’t use “Shock” words like the f word and such but you let the tone carry the emotion. The only criticism that I have is in the first stanza. “ I’d like to say I’m happy for you but that would be lying…” I think that your point would bet understood if you left out “that would be lying.” This is only my opinion. If you put,
“I got the invitation to your weeding in April
And I’d like to say
I am happy for you
But, truth is—

I’m pretty broken up about the whole thing.” That brake allows for a short cliff hanger and allows the reader to automatically read the next stanza. Line brakes are very important to the structure of a poem. And where they are created can change the flow of any poem dramatically.

“Tell that lucky [censored] I said, “hi,”” was also a great line. Lucky is a peaceful light word and by placing [censored] after it created a significant down beat in the right place.

Nicely done, it was as if it was a true letter.

Kishkuman
| Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by Kishkuman | [ Reply to This ]

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