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Author: Old
Elite Ratio:    3.12 - 69 /98 /93
Words: 23
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 850
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 211


Life is but a breath.


Marooned. Caught in objects,
yet one second here,
next, gone.

Leaving empty tillage renewed.
However, the meadow remains
the same.

Submitted on 2006-09-05 20:33:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  This is a beautiful piece. I love the spare but powerful wording, the terseness and density of it. Nothing is redundant here. How effective it is in sparking visual imagery and meaning! I think it's great as it stands. If Iwere to nitpick, the only thing I could come up with is a suggestion to think more about "Caught in objects". Though it's great contentwise, I find it rhythmically hard to connect with "marooned" into a line.
| Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! How unusual. The terseness certainly isn’t melodious, yet it is graceful. I wish I understood why. Word choices impressive without being archaic or rare. The ideas are subtle and spiritual. Definitely a favorite.
Also surprising from one so young. Perhaps your depression has grounded you in a seriousness sometimes found in older and wiser sorts. I was going to say older souls, but I suspect yours is old - far older than most.
| Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  Reminds me of that David Bowie song...

(Turn and face the stranger)
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
(Turn and face the stranger)
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

When I was a kid and my parents wanted to migrate to another country, my friends tried to scare me by saying that in the radar... my airplane is a mere dot that goes on and off. 50 or something people = a mere dot that can get lost or forgotten. A mere dot that can crash and not be remembered.

But, the years have taught me that no two dots are the same... and that still makes me a very special one.

Anyway... your piece has a bit of necessary coldness in it. I mean that in a good way, of course. It's like saying something witty so that the thought will get stuck to the person the moment he or she get's what the message is. I also think that its length makes it easy to take in... chew... and eventually digest.

And like what I said a few words back... the actual process of digesting and the chewing didn't happen at the same time so... that's a good thing.

| Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]

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