Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Out Of Her Elementdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Magnolia Steele
    ASL Info:    30/female/Northwest CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 2492/1825/232
    Words: 240
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1162
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1482



    Description:
       My first submission in weeks! I know the flow is off, but I meant for it to be. Since each element is different, so should the flow be as well per stanza I felt. This was a deep and heartfelt poem for me to write. I wrote this about me and for me. I ask each reader to draw their own conclusion as to what I'm saying here about myself. It is not my normal write, but I hope you enjoy it just the same.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOut Of Her Elementdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She danced
    around the fire,
    enticed by the flames,
    pliant yet unyielding,
    embers raised to kiss
    her dewy skin
    seducing her
    into this inferno
    that raged untamed...
    but no she did not belong there,
    among the ashes of others.

    She collapsed
    in the arms of the sea,
    vast and vibrant
    was it power,
    enveloping her further
    within as it absorbed
    her weighty thoughts,
    each gentle wave
    beckoned her to slip deeper
    into those watery depths...
    but she did not belong there,
    amid the lost artifacts
    eroded by the salt.

    She drifted
    as the icy fingers of air
    carried her
    into swirls of obscurity,
    floating beyond reality,
    kneading out
    the pain in her heart,
    whispering for her
    to fly far away...
    but she did not belong there,
    amidst the debris of voices
    lost in the wind.

    She cried
    resisting the pull of earth
    as she sat among
    the ruins of her life,
    tears obeyed gravity
    saturating the brittleness,
    particles of dust
    collected on her dreams,
    as she tried to ignore
    the chants from below
    for her to come home...
    but she did not belong there,
    along the rows of bones
    forgotten with time.




    Submitted on 2006-09-05 20:41:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow, just wow. its been a while since ive logged into ES and the second day i log in i check out this poem lol and i remmeber just how good ur work is.... what can i say i simply love it! the transition through the elments and just the images u literally drew there are incredible the flow is melancholy yet soothing at the same time i dont know if thats how u meant it but thats how i read it a fablous piece of work !! :
    | Posted on 2007-07-06 00:00:00 | by Shadows Life | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow is fine as it is. Oh Triggie, so much analysis above - what the hell is that all about ???

    Suffice to say, this is an exceptional piece of writing.

    PB.
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a powerful piece. I feel that you're trying to find your place among others by taking on different personality traits that the other people possess, but you don't feel like they're you. You are trying to find exactly where and with who you belong, and who you are, and who you want to be, and it all seems wrong. Looking only to the moment running blindly, as is the feel when you are describing air and fire yet, neither does reminiscing in the past and brooding over what could have been, which was the feel of the passage about water, nor does trying to fix the problems that may or may not arise in the futre, earth. It says that you're looking for a balance, and that's one that's increadibly difficult to find, and harder to maintain. I wish you the best of luck in finding your your balance.

    Now, as a piece itself, I enjoyed this one, it definately isn't your usual style, but you did well with this one. I found the flow to go well, I found that you managed to capture the elements in the way it was broken up rather well. The wordplay particularly potent, granting the piece an air of melancolia and a sense of being lost, without sounding overused orover dramatized. I commend you for that.
    Anyhow, That's what I have to say, Salaam.
    | Posted on 2006-09-09 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Maggie!
    Nothing goes unnoticed, see.. I'm glad you're back. At least it gives me something to read now when I just woke up
    Anyways,, I like this poem, it is indeed different from what you mostly write, but changing styles from time to time is a very good experience.
    My analysis; It's about a woman (you) Who has tried to belong to ..somewhere, over and over again she tried. But all her tries only gave her pain, and she appeared to belong nowhere .. Only wrong 'places' tried to seduce her, wanting her to fall, to slip deeper away into.. depression, but she knows it's not right to give in, she can still fight. Now for the last stanza... Death seems to reach out , a very strong pull. But now she knows immediately that she doesn't belong there and fights, she wants to live.
    I may be completely wrong, but it was interesting to analyse, and you asked for own conclusions and this is mine.

    Now, this comment wouldnt be mine if I didnt show you the typos, so this is what I got out:
    S1: unyielding, dewy
    S2: it[s] power, artefacts
    S3 amidst

    Okie.. that was it

    Janneke
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm... I liked this, but would have preffered it if it were in present tense. Lately, I read most poems in past and present would be a pleasent change.

    My guess would be that this about a girl who doesn't know where and/or who she is. Some one who is lost; and is trying to figure out life and where she belongs.

    The ending was a little sad, but well written.

    A pleasure to be back reading your stuff, Catrina




    Abbasio ;) :S
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem. I didnt find the flow to be off at all. I think this is well written and expressed and your use of description is wonderful providing lots of imagery throughout this poem. Such a sad write as this woman tries and tries to find a place where she belongs yet always ends up with the same result of feeling like she doesnt. No matter where she goes, she is out of her element, just like the title, which is just perfect for this poem. I love how you tie in all the nature and wonders of earth into this and all the elements that surround her. Very sad, yet very good. I may have preferred a bit happier ending with some sort of hope of finding something she can relate to, but I think that would ruin the overall point of the whole poem. You did a fine job with this.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey 'magnoliasteel'

    First Stanza has a Pheonix twist to it. 'Nice'

    The whole work speaks of a person wandering the metaphysical world trying to find themselves, find their niche in life. There is a need to belong that has gone unfulfilled for some time.

    I like the imagery and love your use of emotion.

    Keep on keeping on

    Ocker
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by Ocker7290 | [ Reply to This ]
      this was really cool. i love the way u took the phrase "out of her element" and really made her try to fit in through different elements as opposed to being out of her normal environment. clever ass. this is a fave
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      wow girl this is amazing, i like the imagery that you have in this peice and the power that is attached to the peice. like even though she is out of her natural environment she still tries to fit in. which is something everyone tries to do in a situation that they are not used to.i thought this was a really great write. take it easy girl

    Joy
    | Posted on 2006-09-10 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      This was much deeper and much more powerful than the other one you just posted. Truly a write anyone can sink their teeth into. The only part I didnt enjoy was the feeling of not belonging but still claiming the art of being one with everything. Like those people who have caller ID yet they block their outgoing calls...I have yet to hear a good reason for that??? But, you know me...I prefer the uplifting stuff more, yet can definately see the raw power of this write. Glad to see you posting again and nice to see you ain't lost that touch!


    "And let them hold their heads up high...in the distance...as well as in the flesh...so that a passerby may have the opportunity to see their smile...and them theirs."



    | Posted on 2006-09-05 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    116950

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    The World written by jjd
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dream written by closetpoet
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry