Description: Just something I came up with in a rather short time frame. It is brief, but the message is deep. I hope that this one is enjoyed by all of you.
Your essence, like salt,
draws out all the
infectious negativity
running through my veins,
cyphering the core of my discontent
as you extract me from
the gums of my mental decay.
.
EXCELLENT JOB MAGGIE!!! I Loved the use of the word Negativity BRAVO BRAVO I take this as a form of Thank You write to someone who meens an awful lot to you and has helped deliver you from sadness at many times I really loved this This is one write where I feel any additional words would take away from the strength of the theme God Bless Ron
How have you been I have been suffering a lot the last couple of weeks but Im keeping a positive mind and I realize THIS TOO SHALL PASS Please keep in touch I really miss hearing from you and would Love to here what has been happening in your life You sound very Happy!!! God Bless Ron
I thought that the metaphors/descriptions used were a little over done. The beginning was great: your essence, like salt draw out all the infectious negativity. That is a strong beginning. But I felt that the ending was forced. I think if you ended with out a metaphorical phrase it would be like a BANG! My feel this way because you have such great description of your feelings in such a short poem that the ending is drowning it. A suggestion: Considered different line brakes to really make the metaphors stick out. Example: (you wrote) “your essence, like salt, Draws out all the Infectious negativity…”
You could break the lines like so:
“You’re Essence Like salt. Draws out all the infectious Negativity.”
Another thought for the ending so that it isn’t too much. End it on a down beat. You can do that by ending with one word. Example: as you extract me from Sadness.
The word sadness is just an example. The ending word is very important because you want it to show the internal meaning of what you are trying to express.
Great originality, I can say I have not read a poem at all like it.
I would not attempt to over-think this piece. The imagery of an abcessed tooth being pulled to relieve the painful symptoms (i, getting to the root) was an excellent metaphor.
Just like a real tooth extraction, there was immediate relief.
this is weird. i try to be smart like u but this one just flew right over my head. it made me think of someone try to suck the venom out of a snake bite...kinda. oh yeah the crocodile hunter died. he got pierced in the spine by a sting ray
I really like this one. I think the minimalism is effective. I prefer ending it on mental decay than sadness because that word is just too ordinary, and I don't think the ending drowns it at all. It also fits with the "dental" theme. My suggestions would be more minor: I don't think you need the word "all" because it has the same impact without it. You also might be able to without "like salt," but that is your call. (I have to ask; are you getting dental work done? )
Submission Name: Extraction
