Dark Eye Liner -------------------------------------------
Rain falling all around.
It sprinkles the back of my head
As I stare at the ground.
Tranced by the waterís ripple effect.
Feelings in me spreading out to the edge
Feelings I reject.
Reflecting off the water I see your eyes.
Framed in dark eye liner
To be caught in them the ultimate prize.
Words flash through my head.
Of things I wish I would have said.
You canít be held responsible for unfaithful sins.
Unholy passionate pleasures of the skin.
I could have chose not to have kissed.
But we would have felt empty
Not knowing what we had missed.
I splash through the rain water all my emotions astir.
Iím scared that all I can think about is her
I donít know while in this room frigid dark.
If there was something more than a spark.
I donít know if I measure up to her man.
But proud and alone I will stand.
I have to know if she feels for me, I must.
Or if it was merely a night of lust.
I truly know how she feels itís in her tight embrace.
And the way she clung to the pillowcase.
I canít stand to think a drop of her he might waste.
Take from me her passionate taste.
Maybe itís my fault maybe I am too ambitious.
But I want to know if every inch of her is so delicious.
I just like to talk to her on the phone.
Because I know in a world full of people I am all alone.
But in the meanwhile Iíll wait for him to slip up.
Then Iíll enter and slowly pick the pieces up.
And the rain will halt, parting the clouds, revealing the sky.
And I will be prized in the dark eye liner
Of her wondrous eyes
I strongly look at it as dealing with the darkness of love and pain but the willing desire to go after what sets you free.Rain can symbolize pain or happiness but here I don't think that second view of subject is what this portrays.
What turned me on here was rain and reflections in the midst of conflict of not wanting to acknowledge feelings of shame, regret, wonder, caution etc.
And on the center of that it plays need and wanting passion fulfilled all the way through and after all you just want to be okay with her and that beautiful bubble you and that person made for each other.
I see mind tricks in this too though.
Like for instance.A guy can think about a woman or female so much that she plays on his mind and conscious for days consisting into long periods of time but the way to beat the trick is to know is this person worth a true loving moment in the rain with me? I asked myself that while pondering after reading and the analysis of this review.
Desire for a man to come across so overwhelmed with it is like walking on a ledge when you can't use your hands really.You need balance and by what I have interpreted is that this character in the rain, in the presence of his girl, his trophy is trying his best to balance the needs, wants, pleasures and shattering past he wishes to control and move forward from with his girl, or trophy.
The poem on the other hand as in form builds.
As everything descriptive unfolds I see an opening and slow build up of that, making me think of when an old fashioned 20th century tank cannon that has that slow turning barrel preparing for it's target.
You prepared for your target because you knew what feelings you wanted to incorporate here based on a single person with a firm understanding of the embracing period which is always inspiration in a lot of cases.
Very interesting for a train of thought dealing weather that means love to so many people and I am surely glad that you put that in this for a symbolic environment, pretty coolz.
Not really anything that I read that is capable of being pointed out as needing to be changed or considering to not like about it.
Quite the piece of art.
Ok, I kind of have a good amount to say about this, or maybe it just feels that way in my head before I write it down, I don't know, anyway, here it goes.
I thought this was really good, you touched on a common subject (love), but explored it very deeply in a way that other peices don't, making them seem clichť. Exploring your own doubts about how strong you feel, despite feeling strong, lust or love, just wanting to feel fufilled, feeling obsessed, perhaps even sinful, and in many cases very sexual. You also added in some feeling of not feeling up to par, but didn't expand on it much. not that you really needed to for the piece. It felt very honest.
Now, to the negative. It felt very honest, but some of the honesty felt ruined by how every note seemed to land on a rhyme that made it almost predictable. Rhyming is a good and cool thing, but if the flow is right, pieces can seem to rhyme even if they don't. You can even try covering up a rhyme to make it still rhyme, but not be as obvious, thus you can use words that just flow and happen to rhyme, without the clichť feeling of the rhyme.
Well written. Just remember, if she'll cheat on him for you, she just might cheat on you for someone else... (I'm a girl, I can say that... ) Very powerful, detailed without getting bogged down. Well done. <><
I like the way you weave the rain imagery throughout. The ripples are like your thoughts...spreading out, the reflection of her eyes, and splasking ..emotions astir. It gives a continuity to the several and disjointed thoughts as he ponders this new dilemna. I like it very much. Silver
Wow... i've felt like this once before, this dicribes it perfectly to say the least. the only part i might consider is: But in the meanwhile Iíll wait for him to slip up. Then Iíll enter and slowly pick the pieces up. the second up i'd switvh around like this:picking up the pieces. still its gr8 none the less