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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bella De La Muertadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aknahlij_d 1
    ASL Info:    17/Male/Loueezy
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 369/516/136
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 965
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900



    Description:
       help me out


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBella De La Muertadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bella Bella Bonita
    My orchids among the weed
    My leap abouding leads
    That sleep underneath the willow tree counting his blessings

    Muerta, no tengo duermo
    Quick and cutting
    To the point and brief, a cunning linguist
    A euphemism among conservative citizens

    Here in the earth
    The dirt breathes for me
    I hold my huffs and count the sheep's leap as a favor
    Never any failure in this abyss

    Bella Bella Muetra
    No sound to startle
    No words the stumble over
    They'd be muffled in this shoe box coffin

    Off and on
    My love for this harlot is an upstart
    A flaring of the gland, or maybe even a deadening
    Short of air and consciousness
    Me and death make love in silence
    In complete darkness
    *Muerta, mi amor, mi corazon*




    Submitted on 2006-09-06 13:14:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this was so phucking good. like every line in this one stuck out to me. just ur vocabulary and they way u put words together always amazes me. urrg...i'm so glad u started posting more stuff although u still don't get the amount of comments this kind of creativity deserves. the spanish thing was weird but it kinda had that "respiration" vibe. u know the song by blackstar. u already know this is a fave
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a new style, compared to your other writes. Troy is right, you so deserve more comments. This was very good. I liked the adding Spanish and giving it a Latin flavor. I liked how you explained death as this hard to hold lover and yet, all you have in this world or life. Very potent and effective. Nice flow and imagery. Great wording! Keep it up!

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      >>edits<<
    Bella Bella bonita
    My orchids among the weed orchids->orchid, weed ->weeds
    My leap abouding leads abouding -> abounding
    That sleep underneath the willow tree counting his blessings

    Muerta, no tengo duermo no tengo duermo -> no tenga duermo or no duerma ???
    Quick and cutting
    To the point and brief, a cunning linguist
    A euphemism among conservative citizens

    Here in the earth
    The dirt breathes for me
    I hold my huffs and count the sheep's leap as a favor
    Never any failure in this abyss

    Bella Bella Muetra Muetra -> Muerta
    No sound to startle
    No words the stumble over the -> to
    They'd be muffled in this shoe box coffin

    Off and on
    My love for this harlot is an upstart
    A flaring of the gland, or maybe even a deadening
    Short of air and consciousness
    Me and death make love in silence me and death -> death and I
    In complete darkness
    *Muerta, mi amor, mi corazon*

    >>comments<<
    1) punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. Read this without the rhythm in your head. only look at punctuation. pick a rhythm and stay with that only pausing at commas. reads funny doesn't it? Help us out.. put some punctuation in there!

    2)double check spelling and word choice.

    3)I wasnt sure about the Death doesn't sleep line.. I put in above the two things I thought it might be.

    4) a handy tip is to in your description translate those lines that are in spanish. it gives it a nice feel them being in spanish. but for people who dont know spanish its just a line of mumbo jumbo that fills space.

    5) this really is a nice piece. I enjoyed it. I wasn't sure how all the stanzas tied together... but I enjoyed it. When you revise this or if you have thoughts you want to run by someone. send me a PM.

    <3Leala
    | Posted on 2006-09-06 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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