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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The lanterndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: THEGEEEEK
    ASL Info:    37/m/canada
    Elite Ratio:    6.57 - 2/1/1
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 892
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 390



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe lanterndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Into the night, with hopeless glee
    the lantern burns bright but no one can see
    the simple lust, or stinging desire
    with which we place our hands in the fire.

    Into the night, we rush headlong
    to search for the fury of the just and strong
    only to find a sad farewell
    as we leave behind our hollow shell
    in search of the lantern.




    Submitted on 2006-09-06 22:46:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well...ill be honest.

    this piece needs work. comsmetically/aesthetically its sound.

    diction...fine
    vocab-sound
    length-fits the theme
    theme-remains consistent

    then what the prob you ask? heh heh...the TEMPO. your meter was off, and that highly bothered me to the point of rereading this piece 3 times to look for undertones i might have missed.

    check this out...

    8-Into the night, with hopeless glee
    10-the lantern burns bright but no one can see
    10-the simple lust, or stinging desire
    10-with which we place our hands in the fire.

    8-Into the night, we rush headlong
    11-to search for the fury of the just and strong
    8-only to find a sad farewell
    9-as we leave behind our hollow shell
    6-in search of the lantern.

    lemme break this down to you. the first stanza, syllabic asymmetry. good job.

    second stanza, i don't know what exactly happened. the last line is fine. excuse that one. the first line was fine, excuse him as well.

    11-to search for the fury of the just and strong
    8-only to find a sad farewell
    9-as we leave behind our hollow shell
    this was where the problem came into play, and bothered the -ish outta me. and 11 8 9...here's a simple formula if when you read this aloud you can't detect this.

    11+8+9=28/3=9.13 just about. 9.13 syllables per line count...now...check this...

    8-Into the night, with hopeless glee
    10-the lantern burns bright but no one can see
    10-the simple lust, or stinging desire
    10-with which we place our hands in the fire.

    8-Into the night, we rush headlong
    9.13-to search for the fury of the just and strong
    9.13-only to find a sad farewell
    9.13-as we leave behind our hollow shell
    6-in search of the lantern.

    well...the truth of the matter is...
    even-Into the night, with hopeless glee
    even-the lantern burns bright but no one can see
    even-the simple lust, or stinging desire
    even-with which we place our hands in the fire.

    even-Into the night, we rush headlong
    ODD-to search for the fury of the just and strong
    ODD-only to find a sad farewell
    ODD-as we leave behind our hollow shell
    even-in search of the lantern.

    those 3 l;ines throw the pitch of your entire piece off. i don't know how else to illustrate this. you see i've been on this your whole critique , because tempo is that large of an issue.

    and also throughout the piece, phonetically it could use some work.

    one of my earlier works, but use this as a model for tempo and phonetics. written in about the same style as you did this if a bit longer.

    "Yesterday Cecelia, Later Lanette"

    Dear Cecelia,
    Words I've run apart to say
    That, which should mean so much
    Spent the last of every stay
    And stow I've left to crutch
    But dearest mine
    You sweet harlot
    Of quiet, confused tantivies-
    His pand'rings nigh
    Your pillowed sighs;
    Pate pressed to brooched bosom
    He means your Lot-

    "...I stepped to next door
    And no she's not a whore
    But allowed me
    Her Garden see
    And helped to plant a Berry..."

    Ha! Words mean so well
    When the pointed Critic's blind,
    Yet proclaims to be a
    Prophet in ill-fortuned time
    Spoiling heavened grace:
    Oh Valentine!
    There needs a new
    Namesake to preserve what small Grace
    "...As Heart does sigh
    Her lullaby..."
    For he caught you reading this
    And changed its name-

    "...Each page this Diary,
    Atop the hourly
    She is not Blind
    And heart resigned
    To me--She gave her Cherry!
    Oh, sweet Lanette
    Next door..."

    peace, and keep writing.
    Loq Dawg
    | Posted on 2006-09-18 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Geeeek..... I love your poem "The Lanten"... You write very well... I like the rhyme.... I also write in rhyme...Don't see a lot of it these days.. Looking forward to reading more of you work... Will place this as one of my favorites... Thank You for sharing..... Seee u on the tables too.. lol.. Desi..
    | Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by Desi | [ Reply to This ]


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