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    dots Submission Name: Warmth and Glow in the Darkdots

    Author: forestspirit
    ASL Info:    21/m/inside
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 58/45/27
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 704
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 642


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    dotsWarmth and Glow in the Darkdots

    The little sun, that went down;
    Came a bigger "bad wolf",
    The three little pigs, ain't little anymore;
    Got swept away in the wind.

    Matted window cover, in your little house
    There lay a sad sassy' dame.
    The kinght in shining armour
    Rusted in the rain.

    The horse came to the sunset
    Now, the rider was gone.
    The western town, of your little heart
    Was nowhere, you can't claim.

    The dandelions in your front yard
    Babies on the plain.
    The sun may rise once a year
    But do you remember the flame?

    Submitted on 2006-09-07 02:16:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
    First off, I like your title a lot, it gives a great image to the reader.
    The poem itself has some great images, I like the subversive use of the normal fairy tales, it works and brings out your message of a flawed universe.
    However, the one thing I think you need to work on is your punctuation. Your ideas sometimes sound jumbled and garbled. For example:

    The little sun, [that went down
    Came a bigger bad wolf,] - (what does this mean? You've let them run together and it doesn't seem to make sense to me)
    The three little pigs, ain[']t little anymore[;]
    Got swept away in the wind[.]

    Hopefully, you see what I mean and how much easier it is for a reader when you clarify your ideas this way. Also, you have some slight typing errors which need to be looked at.
    But your poem has a strong base nonetheless, you just need to polish it up.
    Thanks for the read.

    | Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]

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