weak by FailureXX

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Submission Name: weak dots

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Author:	FailureXX
ASL Info:	15/f/MI
Elite Ratio:	1.91 - 7/19/10
Words:	154

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	124
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	910

Description:

weak

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Watch as i stand in front you.
dropping to my knees.
Making This foolish scene for you
Im begging of it, please.
Drenched inside my pain once more,
I dont want back into this,
im trying to heal this heart of sore.
The scars that ive created,
are leaving me to weep,
cant you tell what youve done to me,
Can you not open up your eyes and see?
People of importance, telling me its wrong.
Never can i listen,
and follow simple steps.
Im sorry that ive done this,
Oh such a savior, i know i have to miss.
Making a believer, from a solitary question
is so hard for me to do.
i'm drowning here
in worry and fear
the devil is on my rooftop
tearing me away from the arms of god
he said he'd protect me
but then why do i feel so empty?

Submitted on 2006-09-07 18:09:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think writing is pure expression, lack of apostrophes and capitalization included. ask yourself what is the meaning if the capitalization was left out. words define without grammatic perfection, poetic justice.

i know exactly what the poem is about line to line because it outlines exactly my experience.
| Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by xrenew | [ Reply to This ]
  Given, of course, my dear, that you didn't quite classify the poem, I'm not ENTIRELY sure of what to make of it. It could possibly be... a love/rejection poem, which would make sense, and the sudden shift to idealogical tendencies is of course a natural one. OR it could be a poem about religion, which would also make a fair amount of sense, given that the 'he' you talk about is intimate as either a lover or perhaps even more intimate, transcending humanity into Godliness.
OR an even more unlikely possibility, you are in fact transforming the one you 'love', 'luv', 'like', etc. into a position like one of a God, which actually, happens to me a fair amount.
In any case, I did like the work. The transition from rhyme to prose to rhyme again is done smoothly, though one thing I would possibly change about the piece is the puncuation within it. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose, which is understandable, or whether you were just intensely emotional when you wrote it. Either way, it's nothing big, just something I noticed that seemed to take away from the poem just a tad.
I like the 'devil on your rooftop' line. Brings a lucid picture into my mind.

Keep writing.
You have potential.
| Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by Fade ElBrunen | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked it, but it seemed like you started with one topic then changed the message in the end. still good though don't get me wrong.
write on...
</3 lisa
| Posted on 2006-09-07 00:00:00 | by 777sacrites777 | [ Reply to This ]
  first off thank you for taking the time to read one of my pieces an important part of writing is being read is it not? To tell yoy that this was one of the best pieces I've read would be bs, but saying that it's one of the worst would also be a lie. niether way would do you justice. There are some things here I like and somethings I don't one of the things I think that took from the piece it you're attempt and rhyming the end of lines together; seems to be done rather sparadically. there are some minor thing here grammaticaly, easily overlooked but I'll mention them anyway so you can fix them if you choose it's hard to pick up on them when you're reading your own work.

It seems to me you use a lot of unecessary language that doesn't add to the piece's meaning as much it does to it's length. blah blah blah sorry

Okay the first line is cliché especially among younger poets the watch....in front of you part.
consider dropping the watch part cutting it to just (I stand in front of you)
L2 is fine
L3 I would amend "making This foolish scene for you" to just " making this foolish scene" That is of coure subjective in any case the T on this shouldn't be capital. If you drop the for you at the end you get a nice rhyme; scene and please.
L4 why is there a coma before please? it stagnates the rhythm
L5 dont needs an '
L6 I think you tried too hard to maintain youre rhyme in this line a sore heart is easiar to understand the a heart of sore Perhaps the heart of a sore being the center. This isn't hrrible the meaning is clear but the phrasing is akward it could be better. I spend ten to twenty minutes sometimes just playing around with variation of line until i reach something I'm satisfied. I think it could be better
L7 ive need an '
L8 this line uses leaving and weep to keep rhyme with created in the previous and me in the next a brilliant choice!
L9 youve needs an '
L10 again assonace
L11 and again with people!
all the reat is great!
this part is my favorite
"Im sorry that ive done this,
Oh such a savior, i know i have to miss.
Making a believer, from a solitary question
is so hard for me to do.
i'm drowning here
in worry and fear
the devil is on my rooftop
tearing me away from the arms of god
he said he'd protect me
but then why do i feel so empty?"

I've come to two con-clue-sions You don't like apostrophes and you eaithier didn't want to capitalize I because you feel you aren't important or you were simply just trying to get your thoughts on digital paper. The later seems more likely in this piece however because i thing you are just as important to this piece as your would be savior. This poem is good with a few lines to savor I suppose if not for mediocre lines would anything we write simply be amazing? No offense, I've just been wondering thins about my own work. Thanks for your time, I realize my critiques can be painful to rififle thorugh as I tend to babble . in any case I hope you found it useful if even in the most petty sense I look forward you reading more from you in the future. peace
| Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  i like the sentiment, its quite lovely, if you ask me....
the rhyming could use a little help, and there are a couple little things that need some tweaking, but lovely

xoxo
| Posted on 2006-09-08 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]

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